Disclaimer:  Paramount owns all things Star Trek Voyager.  I don’t.  Only borrowing                 

                     them. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Rating:          NC 17.

Summary:     When a crewmember loses his partner and unborn child, he blames

                      Kathryn Janeway.  Trapping her on the holodeck, he plays out his

                      terrible revenge on her, forcing Chakotay to watch helplessly.





Kathryn made her way slowly towards the brig and managed to avoid the few crewmembers who were passing through the corridors during shift time.  She was still in some pain and considerable discomfort but she pushed herself.  She wasn’t a hundred per cent sure why she was headed to the cell where Feeney was being held but something deep inside her drove her on, telling her she needed to see the man who had almost ruined her life, had taken from her what she had held for another and in the end tried to kill her.

Kathryn rounded the final corner and could see the entrance to the brig.  She pulled herself back into a doorway when she heard someone coming and recognized one of Tuvok’s security detail, carrying a tray.  The tall security officer entered the brig and Kathryn crept forward, listening for any sound and using the wall to hold herself up.

Joe Feeney lounged on his bunk, smiling to himself and stretched his arms above his head.  He whispered quietly to the space around him.  “It’s not bad here Sally, not bad at all.  I have a bed and three square meals a day and best of all, that bitch is dead.  What more could a man ask for?  Oh the Vulcan and that other security guy bringing the meals could be a bit more talkative but who cares when I have you.”  He heard a noise beyond the forcefield and sat up.  “Well, well, Ensign Ashe, what a pleasant surprise.  What has the chef dreamed up today?”  Ashe almost growled at Feeney, wanting nothing more than to throw the food in his face at the least but would have preferred it if he could just use his phaser and finish the bastard off.

“Step back Feeney.  You know the drill.”  Feeney made a mock salute and stepped back against his bunk.

“Aye Aye Ensign.  Whatever you say.”  The forcefield was lowered as the tray was slipped in and was then re-erected.  Feeney crossed his cell to examine the meal.  “Could be worse I guess.  At least I’m alive to eat it which is more than I can say for the whore.”  He laughed to himself and Ashe couldn’t resist.

“Hey Feeney, what makes you think she’s dead?”  He got a reaction immediately as the prisoner turned quickly, hate written all over his face.

“Because I knifed the bitch, stuck her good, spilled her blood all over the holodeck.”  His face twisted, remembering what he considered to be his moment of glory.  “Anyway, you saw what I did to her.  I take it you all enjoyed the floor show.”  His laughter rang out around the small area.

“What show would that be Feeney?  I didn’t see any show and neither did anyone else.”  Feeney turned with a growl.

“Lying Starfleet scum.  You all saw…”  Ashe came in closer to the forcefield.

“Let me tell you Feeney, not one member of this crew, Starfleet or Maquis, watched what happened on that holodeck and we didn’t hear it either.  Every screen was covered and we all played music to drown you out, so your dirty little plan failed there.”  Feeney threw himself at the forcefield.

“Liar, liar, you lying bastard, you all saw…”  Ashe laughed now, working the man in the cell into a frenzy.

“Ask anyone.  Oh sorry you can’t, I forgot that.  You can believe me though.  No one listened, no one watched, not even on the bridge.”  Feeney calmed a bit.

“HE saw though, Chakotay saw…”  Ashe shrugged his shoulders.

“So what?  Nothing you could do to her would make any difference to the way he feels about her.  We all know that.  They love each other.  Remember that feeling Joe, loving someone, never wanting to hurt them, being there for them?”  Feeney paced back and forward.

“I love Sally and that WHORE took her away and our son.  She had to pay…”  Ashe was actually enjoying himself.

“Sally and your son died in an accident, no one to blame.  What you tried to do is a disgrace to their memory.”  Joe Feeney roared out.

“I did it for them.  They had to pay…”  Ashe laughed and walked up and down.

“Tell me Feeney, did you really think for one minute that you could bring her down in our eyes, change the love and respect we all have for her?  The only one you let down was yourself.  Of course, you’ve also let down the memory of Sally and your son.  They’d never have wanted this.”  Feeney paced and pounded his fist into his other hand repeatedly.

“I did it all for them.  I brought that whore to her knees…”  Ashe cut off his tirade.

“Not in our eyes, you didn’t.  You could never do that.  You made yourself clear at the very beginning about what you thought you could do and so no one watched because we all knew you could never do that, that with her of all people, you would fail.  Besides, as I said, we all love, respect and admire her too much to ever be party to anything like that, but I guess you’d never understand that.”  Ashe stopped his pacing and stared in at Feeney.  “You know I would never have believed it possible but you’ve actually increased how we all feel about her.  I never thought we could love and respect her more than we already do but that’s something you have done.  You’ve shown us all that we can.  Feeney, thank you.  You just might have done something decent in your miserable life after all.”  The man in the cell let out a howl and smashed his fist against the forcefield but Ashe didn’t bat an eyelid, just smiled.  Feeney stepped back, an evil grin on his face.

“You wouldn’t feel that way if you’d watched as I beat the shit out of her, seen her scream in agony at my hands as I burned the flesh off her or best of all when I tied her down, cut the clothes off her and fucked her good and proper.  Oh the whore screamed then all right, once she got a real man between her legs.  She screamed her lungs out then.  Mind you she was quiet when I stuck that knife in her belly.”  The hate and contempt on Ashes’ face almost had a life of its own.  He glared in at Feeney and the menace in his voice was unmistakable.

“Know what Feeney, none of that makes any difference because she’ll get over it.  That’s the kind of woman she is and she has Chakotay and all of us and we’ll be there for her.  What you’ve just told me, well that’ll never be repeated, cause none of us want to know what you did.  We know you hurt her and that’s all we need to know.  The hearts and minds of everyone on this ship are with that woman in sickbay, our Captain.  She’ll be back and we’ll all be here for her and who will you have?  You’ve lost the right to speak about Sally and her son because you know that they would hate you for this.”  Feeney actually stayed quiet as Ashe spit his words out.

“Our Captain will be back to us and she’ll stand on the bridge again and lead us home because she’s the only one who can do it.  That’s not just belief.  We KNOW she will do it.  We follow her because we love and respect her and that’s not just blind loyalty either.  She earned it and that’s the point you missed all along and you know what, I’m actually sorry for you cause you’ve nothing now.  Something for you to think about Feeney.  Something can only be taken from someone if they let it.  You could never take anything from Kathryn Janeway because she’d never let you, but you lost your own self respect simply because you let it go.  She won and you lost.  Goodbye Feeney, I hope you rot in hell.”  Ashe turned on his heel and left the brig, leaving Joe Feeney on his knees, calling out to a woman who no longer answered him in his head.

Kathryn stood pressed against the bulkhead, her hands in fists and tears streaming down her face.  She was vaguely aware of her legs giving way and felt herself start to slide down the wall.  Suddenly the concerned face of David Ashe was before her, holding her up and supporting her as he led her away.  Kathryn became aware of him speaking softly to her.

“Come on Captain, you shouldn’t be up and about yet.  Let’s get you back to sickbay and your bed.  You must get your rest, you know.  We need you back on the bridge, fit and well.  We can’t get home without our Captain now, can we?”  He gently and slowly moved her down the hall and then Chakotay was standing in front of them, smiling at them both, holding his arms out.

“Come on Kathryn,  walkabout’s over.  The Doctor will have a fit.”  Ensign Ashe gently handed his charge over to Chakotay.

“I’ll see you again soon Captain.  I’ll buy you a drink at Sandrines if a certain First Officer doesn’t object.”  His smile lit up his face and Kathryn turned to look at him.

“I guess I’m spoken for now but I don’t think he’ll object too much.”  She looked up at Chakotay, who brushed her tears away.

“Oh I think I can allow that, I’m not the jealous type, well not too much.  Besides, I’m sure David’s wife will keep an eye on him.”  The two men shared a look which spoke of so much more and Chakotay silently nodded his thanks to the Security Officer.

As Ashe moved away, Chakotay slapped his comm badge and informed the Doctor that the Captain was fine and that they’d be back in sickbay immediately.  He bent down and scooped Kathryn into his arms and proudly carried her through the corridors, not caring who saw them.  Kathryn saw the expressions of those they passed and each one was a smile, followed by a ‘great to see you Captain’ or ‘hurry back, we miss you’.  Not one person seemed even surprised to see their First Officer carry his Captain around in a sickbay gown.  By the time they reached sickbay, Kathryn’s tears had returned full force and the Doctor was instantly at her side.

“It’s all right Doc, it’s not physical.”  The Medic nodded his understanding but ran his tricorder over Kathryn anyway, once Chakotay had put her down on her bed.

“She badly needs to rest.  Keep it short.  She still has a way to go physically to recover completely.”  Chakotay nodded his understanding and the Doctor dismissed himself.

“I’m sorry Chakotay, I don’t know what I was thinking…”  Kathryn sniffled loudly and he just hugged her to him.

“I hope all that sunk in.”  She looked up at him and stopped mid sniffle.

“All what?  What are…?”  He sat down beside her.

“Kathryn, I know you heard every word.  I got there just as Ashe entered the brig.  I was just about to go to you when I heard what they were saying myself.  I made the decision that it just might be good for you to hear it for yourself, about how this crew feels about you and so I stayed where I was and let you listen.  Do you believe what I told you now?”  He took her hands in his as her tears started all over again so he slipped one arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him and held her there until she fell asleep through sheer exhaustion.

Within a week, Kathryn was back in her quarters and desperate to get back to work.  Chakotay stayed with her each night and was there for her when her nightmares visited, soothing her back to sleep each time and gradually they diminished in severity.  Small gifts arrived at her quarters constantly and messages from the crew spoke of their love for her and their support.  Flowers filled every corner and Kathryn finally accepted how much her crew loved her.  Chakotay spent hours letting her talk it all out, quietly reassuring and supporting her as she came to terms with all that had happened.

By the end of the second week, she was finally given permission by the Doctor to return to limited duty and her nightmares had lessened even more.  Somehow Chakotay never seemed to move back to his own quarters and neither one of them mentioned the subject once, both content with the way things were.  Chakotay held Kathryn in his arms each night and whispered stories to her until she drifted off to sleep and gradually felt the woman he loved coming back.

On the first morning of the third week, Chakotay got a call from Tuvok to go to the Vulcan’s office with a request to keep the meeting from the Captain until they had spoken.  When Chakotay entered the Security Chief’s office, he immediately sensed something seriously wrong.  Tuvok, being the man he was, got straight to the point.

“Commander, I have to inform you that Ensign Joe Feeney was found hanging in his cell in the brig early this morning.”  Nothing showed on the Vulcan’s face.

“Suicide?”  Chakotay had his own ideas but wanted Tuvok’s opinion.

“It would appear that way, although I cannot ascertain how Ensign Feeney managed to reach the conduit piping from which he hung himself.”  Chakotay paced.

“Who was on duty there last night?”  Tuvok simply raised his eyebrow.

“Lieutenant Harrison, although he was on his rounds of the other cells at the time and of course he was then due his break.”  Chakotay smiled to himself.

“Let me understand this.  A tour of the other cells when we have no other prisoners and his break when usually a meal is brought to someone on brig duty or someone else takes over.  Have I got that right?”  Once again, Tuvok showed nothing on his face.

“It is protocol to check all cells on a regular basis according to Regulation 24 of the Security Handbook.  As regards his break, I understand that some crewmembers are off sick, some kind of virus according to the Doctor and the kitchen was short staffed, as was Security.  Therefore, under the circumstances, Ensign Harrison, who was legally entitled to his break under Regulation 14 of the said Security Handbook, had to go to the messhall himself in order to procure his nourishment and as it is also against protocol to traverse the corridors with food items and items from the said messhall, he was obliged to remain in the messhall in order to consume his meal before his return to duty.”  Chakotay stood staring at the Vulcan, his mouth almost hanging open.  “I will of course have my report in full on your desk within the hour.”  Chakotay still stood staring, shaking his head now.

“Tuvok, I think you’ve been spending too much time with Seven.”  He sank into a chair as he digested all he’d been told.  “OK off the record here.  Did he jump or was he pushed?”  He motioned for the Security Chief to sit also.

“I really don’t know but if I had to say off the record, I’d opt for the latter.  However, my report, due to a lack of any other evidence to the contrary, will reflect my opinion that it was the former.”  Chakotay smiled again.

“Tuvok, are you ever ‘off the record’?  Remind me never to sit in on a Vulcan date.  How the couple ever get close…  All right, forget that.  Don’t answer.  I don’t want to know.”  He stood slowly.  “Do you have any idea of who?”  Tuvok remained silent for a moment then spoke, measuring his words carefully.

“It’s quite impossible to say.  Numerous crewmembers have worked in that area and would have left DNA residue.  All my security personnel and maintenance crews for a start.  It would take forever to list them and eliminate them from an inquiry as each of them would have been within their rights to have been in the area at some time and I’m quite sure each crewmember would have an alibi for last night.”  Chakotay held up his hand.

“All right Tuvok, I get it.  He committed suicide.  Now what do I tell Kathryn?”  Tuvok raised his eyebrow once more, the only facial indication of any feelings he ever showed.

“I would suggest Commander that you’ve just answered your own question.”  Chakotay nodded his thanks and left the Vulcan to write his ‘Report on the Suicide of a Crewmember in Custody’.

Kathryn stood with her back to Chakotay, staring out the viewport in her ready room.  Her arms were folded and she was silent, digesting the news he had just brought her.  Finally she turned and he saw that her eyes were dry but her pain showed.

“Talk to me, Chakotay.  Who did it?”  Chakotay related for Kathryn the contents of what would be in Tuvok’s report, adding that Vulcan’s couldn’t lie.  She smiled at him.

“They CAN lie Chakotay, they just USUALLY choose not to.  They can also bend the truth.”  She eyed him carefully.  “How do you feel about this?”  Chakotay met her steady stare. 

“I always bend to the greater authority in matters like this.  Tuvok is Security Chief and as such would know better than anyone…”  Kathryn cut him off. 

“All right, I get the message.”  She sighed and sat down on the sofa. 

“I suppose a part of me is…  God it sounds terrible…but I’m glad.”  She looked up at him and he saw the start of the tears he knew would come and he moved to sit beside her.

“Kathryn, you have every right to feel the way you do about this and I feel the same.  Maybe now, we can let it all go and move on.”  He put his arm around her shoulders until she gained some control.

“You know Chakotay,  I’ve wished very few people dead in my life but he was one of them and yet I still feel that’s wrong.”  Chakotay kissed the side of her head.

“Right or wrong doesn’t come into this Kathryn.  It’s about what you have every justification to feel.  You’re only human but the simple fact that you can still feel it’s wrong to see it that way, shows what an incredible and wonderful human being you are.  A lot of people would have blown him away that first day and God knows, I wanted to.  I actually found myself outside the brig one night with a phaser tucked under my shirt and then I thought of you in sickbay and I went to you instead.”  He looked at her, gauging her reaction to his confession and she smiled sadly then studied the carpet for a minute.

“I’m glad you didn’t.  I wouldn’t want you to have to live with that because of me.  Seeing as it’s confession time however…”  She looked into his eyes and something told her he knew what her next words would be.  “You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”  He just smiled and nodded slowly.

“That’s the real reason you went to the brig that day.”  Kathryn bit her lip.

“I wasn’t sure myself at first.  It was only later when I thought about it that I knew why I’d gone.  I didn’t have a phaser but I sure as hell knew where the one in the brig was.”  Kathryn twisted around and stroked Chakotay’s face.  “I’m glad he’s dead but I’m also glad neither of us has his blood on our hands.  I keep thinking of the Bible you know, an eye for an eye, and than I remember what Gandhi, the old Indian leader said, that an eye for an eye only ends up making the whole World blind, so I think suicide sounds about right.  I can live with that.”  Chakotay watched her as she studied his face.

“So can I.  However, all I really want to do is live with you…”   Hoping he hadn’t gone too far, he held his breath as she stopped her study.

“I thought you already did.”  Her smile lit up her face and he rejoiced in the radiance of it, letting out the breath he’d been holding.

“I suppose I do.  Can I have some of my clothes there though?  I’m tired of running next door all the time.”  Kathryn smiled and took a step forward, a healing step.

“I was kind of hoping…  well that you… wouldn’t need any…”  She looked up at him, apprehension on her face as to his reaction but all she saw was love.  He stroked her face now.

“Kathryn if you’re ready for this…”  She smiled gently at him.

“I’m ready, as long as you’re OK with it…”  He saw the old fear re-surface and stomped it out immediately.

“Then I’ll tell you that I want nothing more than for us to be one.  I love you Kathryn, you know that already but I’ll keep saying it every minute of every day anyway.”  Kathryn leaned into him and he pulled her close.

“I love you too and I’ll keep saying it too.”  They were silent for a long time, quietly celebrating a new life.

That night, when Kathryn returned to ‘their’ quarters, she was met with soft music and candles burning everywhere.  Chakotay told her to go and wash up and change and when she returned, dinner was on the table.  They sat sipping wine for an hour or so after their meal before they slowly started kissing and caressing.  Eventually they made their way to the bedroom and Kathryn stood shyly as Chakotay undressed her first and then himself, the look of love in his eyes making her feel special beyond words. 

Chakotay climbed onto the bed first and lay Kathryn on her side as he kissed and stroked her all over before his hand made it’s way slowly and tenderly to where she most needed to be touched.  He kept his eyes on hers, watching for any hesitation on her part and gently massaged her swollen clitoris as Kathryn’s breathing became gasps and then pants.  He expertly brought her to a shattering climax then sat out on the edge of the bed and pulled her up to straddle his lap.  Lightly grasping Kathryn’s hips, he slowly and tenderly guided her onto him, entering her gently, again watching carefully for any sign of discomfort or uncertainty.  All he saw was her love and the flush of desire on her face.

They both gasped as he slowly filled her and began a gentle rocking motion.  Chakotay felt Kathryn’s fingers dig into his shoulders and heard her moans of pleasure, his own in competition.  He watched her drop her head back as he increased his pace and brought his hand down to where their bodies joined, stroking her to another climax.

“Look at me Kathryn.  I want to see into your soul”  He held himself back until she was ready, wanting her to come with him.  As she looked deeply into his eyes, he saw the deep love and desire that shone from the blue depths, knowing his own matched.  As he felt her tighten around him and she cried out, he finally let go, filling her with his life giving fluid.  They fell towards each other, clinging tightly together as they got their breath back.  Finally, Kathryn pulled back and stroked his face.

“I love you so much for that Chakotay.  Thank you…”  She saw him smile.

“I wanted us face to face, equals, our own way…”  She understood what he’d done, not wanting what they did to remind her in any way for their first time together.

“I know and thank you.”  He kissed her tenderly.

“Are you sure you’re all right?”  She returned his kiss and hugged him.

“I’m fine love.  I’ve just made wonderful love with the man I love more than anything in life.”  He stroked her shoulders, knowing exactly what she meant and that she knew he’d understand.  He nodded and kissed her again, rolling them both into the bed and pulling the blanket over them.  Kathryn had won, had made love again and it was nothing to do with what had happened.  She hadn’t lost anything and nothing had been taken from her because she hadn’t let it.

As they drifted off to sleep, dreams of the future awaiting them, the horrors of the past were left far them behind in the coldness of space.