|Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Star Trek Voyager. I don’t. Only borrowing
them. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Summary: While on shoreleave, Kathryn and Naomi are kidnapped by a lone
freedom fighter. Kathryn makes the ultimate sacrifice to ensure
Naomi can escape and get back to her mother safely. Can Chakotay
and the crew find her in time and if so, can Kathryn live with her
decision and save her relationship with Chakotay?
WARNING: This story contains graphic material of a violent and sexual nature.
If you are offended by such, please do not read on.
NOTE: I recently saw the film ‘A Stranger Is Watching’ in which Kate Mulgrew gave a wonderful performance (when does she not?) and decided to use the basic storyline for a JC story. This film was made in 1982 and if you haven’t seen it, shame on you. Rectify this immediately.
FOR THE CHILD - WHO IS THE FUTURE OF US ALL.
When Kathryn regained consciousness the following night, Chakotay’s face was the first thing she saw. He saw her confusion and quickly explained.
“Easy love. Naomi’s safe and we found you. You’re going to be just fine.” He saw her nod slightly and swallow but her eyes were guarded as he saw her remember everything. He reached down and lifted her hand into his, rubbing her small hand between his two large ones but she seemed almost limp. The Doctor’s slight cough behind him got his attention and he put her hand back beside her and stepped away. “Best let the Doc check you. I’ll be back.” More again she just barely nodded.
“Well Captain, I’m happy to say all your injuries are healing nicely and you should be up and about within another two days. Young Naomi is fine too.” The Doctor was carefully gauging her reaction.
“Naomi…she’s…she’s really OK?” The Doctor smiled.
“Captain, I give you my word. She’s just fine. She was upset by it all of course, and worried about her Captain but that will pass.” He saw the woman lying before him absorb all this and knew she was going to say more and so he waited. He saw tears start in her eyes.
“I take it…that…you know…about…” Her eyes turned to look at the Medic and he nodded. “Naomi…she…saw some…” The Doctor patted her shoulder.
“Captain, she saw some but basically she didn’t understand, just that you were hurt but she’ll be fine.” Kathryn looked away again for a minute then back.
“Chakotay…he…he knows too…” Her tears spilled over and once more the Doctor nodded. Kathryn turned away then.
“Just as well…I’d have told him anyway…easier this way…” She swallowed and sniffed and the Medic leaned over her.
“Captain, he’s not…” Kathryn cut him off.
“Please can I have a sedative. I want to sleep now. Please Doctor…” Against his better judgement, he nodded agreement, knowing this was not the time.
“Just this once Captain…” He pressed a hypo to her neck and saw it take effect almost immediately. Finally he turned to Chakotay and saw the pain on his face. “I take it you heard all that?” The First Officer nodded, tears forming in his own eyes.
“Yeh I heard. Look Doc, you’ve done your job. Mine starts now.” He nodded to the Doctor and left sickbay.
Chakotay forced himself to eat in the messhall, needing people around him but when he entered, Neelix was just going off duty and the only diner was B’Elanna. The Talaxian stayed to fix something for his Commander then bid him a goodnight, passing on his good wishes to the Captain. B’Elanna waved Chakotay over and pointed to the empty seat in front of her.
“Take the weight off, old man. You look as if you need to.” Chakotay shook his head and smiled.
“Less of the old man and are you saying I’m fat?” He got a crooked smile in answer.
“So how’s the Captain doing?” Chakotay saw it was a serious question, a lot unsaid under the words.
“She’s…doing fine actually. All injuries healed. She came around earlier and the Doc gave her a sedative to help her sleep so… she’s asleep now.” He shook his napkin out and picked up his fork.
“That bad huh?” He stopped with his fork in midair. “Oh come on Chakotay, we all know what she did for Naomi and I don’t mean the stabbing. Did you think it wouldn’t get out?” The Engineer saw an annoyed look cross her friend’s face. “Chakotay, it’s not what you think. God man, there’s nothing but total respect for her.” Chakotay dropped his fork.
“How did…?” B’Elanna smiled softly at him.
“The search party, the Sporian Authorities, medical and transporter staff, Naomi, take your pick. It’s a small ship. Chakotay, people saw the state she was in. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to hurt you. They saw and heard Naomi, what she said on the planet and things she’s said since. She says things and doesn’t think as she’s only a child but means no harm. We just put two and two together. God, do you really think for one second we’d ever think bad of her? She made that kind of sacrifice for Naomi, let that… Chakotay, we’re all here for her. I can safely take it you are too?” One look at his face told her what she needed to know. “Sorry, stupid question. That’s a foregone conclusion. Just know that we’re all here for you too.” Chakotay reached across the table and squeezed her hand then picked up his fork and began to eat, tears blurring the mess on his plate.
Chakotay was sitting beside Kathryn’s bed early the next morning when she woke up. She was groggy from the sedative and took a minute to focus on him. He moved over to her.
“Morning love. Doc says you can either stay here another two days or return to your quarters today, provided you have a nurse with you and that’s me. Take your pick.” He saw his plan failing and Kathryn just looked away.
“I guess the Doctor knows best. I’d better stay here…” She closed her eyes again and within minutes he knew she was asleep.
“Denial to the last.” Chakotay looked up to the see the Doctor standing beside him. “Well she said that I know best and I say she’d be better off in her quarters with you as her nurse so that’s what it’s going to be.” Chakotay smiled at the Medic.
“She’ll eventually terminate your program for this, you know that.” The Doctor shrugged his shoulders and arranged for the transport.
“She can try.”
Kathryn slept for about four hours and Chakotay just sat in a chair beside her bed and studied her, taking the time to think about the coming days and weeks. When she woke up, he watched her confusion at her surroundings and then finally her eyes fell on him.
“You were the one who said the Doctor knew best. He decided here was best so you can take it out on him.” Chakotay smiled at her but received nothing in return. “You can take a shower if you feel up to it but either way, I have orders to make you eat. Any preference?” She still just stared at him. “OK I’ll decide.” He walked off into the other room.
After a few minutes, he heard movement in the bedroom and then the sound of the water shower. After a long time, when he felt sure she most have washed herself away, he heard the water switch off then replicated some lunch for them both and waited for Kathryn to join him. She seemed nervous with him and they ate in silence with Chakotay trying to act normal but he constantly felt Kathryn’s eyes on him yet whenever he raised his head, she quickly looked away. Finally he made small talk until their meal was finished then replicated a coffee for Kathryn and tea for himself. He watched as she sipped the hot liquid and waited to see how long it would be before she finally spoke. Within five minutes, he got his answer as Kathryn turned and studied him for a time and then spoke.
“Chakotay, why are you here? Why all the pampering?” He just smiled at her, his dimples showing.
“Because you’ve been through a terrible time and you need a nurse and because I love you. Why on earth do you have to ask?” He saw he had thrown her and she quickly let the matter drop.
Over the next three days, Chakotay did most of the talking, letting Kathryn choose her own time to talk to him about what had happened. For her part, she answered him when he spoke to her but never started a conversation herself. He left her for short periods of time to check on ship’s business but was always back within half an hour.
Chakotay saw something build up in her and waited for it to boil over. On the evening of the third day, it did just that. They were sitting on the sofa, idle conversation dried up when Kathryn almost growled and turned on Chakotay.
“Chakotay, why the hell are you really here? Does the Doctor not trust me on my own?” Chakotay drew in a deep breath and exhaled loudly.
“Well to use your words Kathryn, why the hell do YOU think I’m here?” He saw a flash of anger cross her face but it was gone quickly. “Do you really think I’m only here because the Doctor told me to be?” Suddenly he saw her face soften and become devoid of any emotion.
“I don’t know. You know…” He saw her bite at her lip. “You know…I know you do…so why…how can you want…seem to…bring yourself to be…” She turned to him and he saw tears start in her eyes.
“What do I know? Kathryn what? How can I want? Bring myself to what? Kathryn talk to me. What are you trying to say? You’ve been avoiding talking to me for three days now.” He controlled his voice, keeping it as soft as possible and saw her shake her head.
“You…you KNOW…” Chakotay sat forward.
“I don’t know Kathryn, how can I? I’m not a telepath, can’t read your mind. You have to tell me.” He saw her grow frustrated but he was determined to get her to open up about all this.
“You know what…what I did…with…with…him…” Chakotay decided to ease up.
“No Kathryn, I don’t. I do know what happened to you. There’s a big difference.” Her eyes flew to his face but he couldn’t read her. After a minute, she looked away and her eyes looked all around the room, anywhere but at the man in front of her.
“You know and you won’t or can’t… Chakotay…I think I’d prefer to be alone…please…the Doctor said…please just go…” Chakotay studied her a minute, wondering if it would be better to leave things alone for a while, work at it slowly. Finally he stood and made for the door.
“All right Kathryn, I’ll go. I’m sorry.” Her words faintly reached him.
“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry it couldn’t work out, sorry I ruined it all.” Chakotay turned, a puzzled look on his face and stared directly at her.
“Excuse me? I think you’re ahead of me here. I’m sorry because you won’t talk to me but you seem to be ending our relationship. Have I got that right?” He was starting to get angry and she knew it.
“I ruined it…” He shook his head at her.
“Ruined what exactly Kathryn?” Her stock answer of the evening came to him again.
“It…us…you KNOW…Chakotay please…just leave…” Kathryn dropped her eyes to the carpet. After a minute Chakotay gave in and walked back to the doors. Just before he reached the sensors which would open them, he stopped, a rage starting in him.
“No, no, no, no. No Kathryn, I’m not walking out on this, not walking away from it. I’m not letting you back out of this one.” He saw her head snap up, a mixture of anger and fear on her face. She jumped up from the sofa and rage replaced both emotions as she screamed at him.
“Chakotay go. Get out and leave me. You know what I did, know about my betrayal of you.” Chakotay was shocked and rooted to the spot but his mind still worked.
“Kathryn Janeway, what in God’s name are you talking about. What betrayal…?” She wasn’t listening to him and went on.
“How can you want to touch me, be in the same room? How can you want to be near me? How…” Suddenly he advanced on her and she backed off but he was quicker and he grabbed her shoulders and shoved her onto the sofa.
“Right now, you shut up and listen to me. I wanted to go easy on you but I can see that won’t work. Sweet God Kathryn, I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you, especially from you.” He saw her look at him in an almost timid way but he was past caring.
“Kathryn, I’m going to have to hurt you with what I say and I’ll have to be totally blunt because you seem to be the only one who doesn’t understand all this. I’ll talk and you shut up OK?” He saw her nod slowly, her eyes never leaving his. “Right. This is not about what you LET HIM do, or anything even like that. This is about what HAPPENED to you. Did you want it to happen? No you didn’t.” He stared at her as she shook her head. “Kathryn, for such an intelligent woman you can be incredibly stupid at times. You didn’t want it so that makes it rape.” He saw her flinch at the use of the word.
“Kathryn, it was rape. I know it, the Doctor knows it, the entire ship knows it and the planet below us knows it.” He saw the shock on her face. “Yes Kathryn, they all know what happened to you, how you saved Naomi. In fact, even Naomi herself knows it to some extent. Now have you got that?” He saw her tears start but she shook her head.
“I…I…let him…made sure he did…and I’m so sorry…what I did to you…betrayed…cheated on you…” Chakotay exploded and reached for her, pulling her to her feet and he saw her terror.
Kathryn, you were bloody well raped. At the end of the day, it was not what you wanted and therefore against your will. That is rape. Now I know how hard that is to deal with but it’s better than what you’re trying to make this. You can call it anything you like and maybe you’re thinking like this for my sake but I know what happened. Even a young child can see you didn’t want to be there, that you wanted to get away. She understands more than you think. If she can see it, why in God’s name can’t you?” He shook her and saw her tears fall and he gently pushed her back down on the sofa.
“Kathryn, stop torturing yourself. You feel responsible and as usual you don the sackcloth and ashes and flog yourself. I love you too much to let you do that any more and I know you love me but know this Kathryn, I’m here to stay. I’m so sorry for what happened but without sounding hard and uncaring, it makes no difference to how I feel about you or your body. Can you understand that? I’ll always want you and I’ll never NOT want to touch you. The only thing stopping me touching you right now is the fact that I believe you’re not emotionally ready for that.” He saw her shoulders shake and small sobs escaped her.
“Kathryn, how many times have we made love? I mean, I don’t know, I didn’t count them but each one was as special as the others. If you really believe this would make a difference to me, if you can think that, then you hurt me deeply. Bottom line here Kathryn, I love you and always will.” Kathryn’s hand flew to her mouth and she sobbed loudly. In her eyes, Chakotay saw behind her tears and he finally saw understanding and her love for him. Within seconds she held her arms open to him and he saw a fear that the chance she was taking now would be refused but he fell to his knees in front of her and into her outstretched arms then felt them close around him.
Chakotay hugged Kathryn tightly to him, feeling her heart pound in her chest. He felt her pull back and he looked deeply to her eyes. Not knowing how it started, they were suddenly kissing passionately. Chakotay broke away for a second and held her face between his hands.
“Kathryn, are you sure? I love you, want you more than anything but you have to want this. If it’s too soon…” His answer came as she pulled his lips back to hers and a fire erupted between them. “Kathryn, you have to guide me, tell me if I’m hurting you…” Kathryn was beyond that though.
Chakotay would never really understand where the passion came from that night but a raw animalistic lust existed between them alongside their love and later he would think of it as a re-claiming of each other, a need to undo, a need to reaffirm what was.
He was aware of them falling to the floor, all rational thought long gone, hands everywhere, tearing at each others clothes, touching every inch of skin available. He was lying over her and surging into her one minute, the next she was on top, impaling herself on him and then they were on their sides and he was thrusting into her as they came together explosively.
Chakotay knew he was awake the next morning before he opened his eyes and knew instinctively that Kathryn was already awake in his arms. He could feel her eyes studying him and was ready when he finally opened his. What he saw in her eyes was what he expected. He saw her fear that he would regret the night before, that it had only been about lust and sex, that he would leave her.
“Morning love.” He stretched and then raised his hand and brushed her hair back from her face and saw some of her fear abate. “How about next time we try and make it to the bed or at least get there to sleep afterwards. I’m getting too old for hard floors even with Starfleet’s finest carpets on them.” As he saw his words accepted, he saw her fear finally leave and she smiled at him.
“Thank you for last night, for understanding and making me see…. I know I was terrible with you, what I said and everything. I just didn’t know how to deal with it, how you’d feel. I hadn’t thought about it, didn’t expect to have to face it…” Her words shocked him to the core when he realized what she meant.
“Oh God Kathryn, you didn’t plan on surviving, did you? You really didn’t expect to get out of that?” He saw a sadness cross her eyes. “When did you think that….?” She looked at him and bit her lip.
“From the time I thought of the plan I expected that, believed it would be a suicide mission if you like. When he left the door open and I went over to him, I knew then what I had to do to keep him was seeing Naomi leave. I also knew at that moment that once he saw she’d gone, that he’d kill me. I believed then for sure that I’d die.” Chakotay’s arms tightened around her and he squeezed his eyes tightly shut then pulled her to him.
“Oh God love, I so very nearly lost you. Without you I couldn’t…” Suddenly it was Kathryn comforting him and he welcomed it.
“Chakotay I had to, had to save her. She’s a child, only a little girl. She’s our future, what we have to protect.” Chakotay nodded, afraid to speak in case he broke down. He stayed silent as Kathryn opened up to him, cleansing herself. “While he was…I just tried to count…keep the time…give her as much time as possible…tried to think that way and not about…him and what he was…or the pain…” She stopped and drew in a deep breath. “When…after it…when he saw she’d gone…he was so angry and I knew what was coming…I knew…and I tried to stop him going after her…anything to give her time…and he said…he said he’d…do the same with her…Chakotay…to a child…he…I had to stop him…and he pulled me to him again and then…oh God I felt it…didn’t see it coming…but I felt it when he stabbed me and I remember falling and seeing your face…and I knew that was it…that there was nothing more I could do…that all I could hope for was that she’d made it…” Chakotay hugged her close and let her get it all out.
“When I came round…God the pain but…I don’t know why but I still had to try and stop him…and I managed to stand and move and…then he was there again and we fought and I remember…his hands and…my throat…strangling me and…I fought him but…then I saw him raise his hand and I saw the spike and…it was like slow motion or…I saw it and then I felt it…like an explosion in my chest…I remember his hands around my throat again and…then I was holding the spike and pushing it into him…it’s a blur really…I watched his body shake and prayed he was dead…it was horrible but…after that it’s…I only know there was your face in my mind and a need to move but where…I remember crawling and I didn’t know where…only that I was seeing you and I reached for you…and then…then nothing…” Kathryn cried bitterly as Chakotay held her.
“When we found you…God love…I was so afraid…” He pulled her face back so he could see her eyes. “Your hand was stretched forward…like you were reaching for something…” He kissed her forehead. “You reach for me now love, because I’m here for you always.” Kathryn did just that and they embraced fiercely, each crying away all the pain.
“Kathryn, look… about…what I said to you…you just think what you need to…I know I said rape and I see it that way but…Kathryn you use whatever makes it easier for you…just know that it’s not between us, that nothing can come between us…” She nodded and sniffed.
“You’re right…and I know you’re…I guess I just have to think of it as something I had to do and try and put it behind me…put it into perspective any way I can…” He smiled gently at her. “I just want to put it behind me and forget and with you…I was so afraid I’d lose you…” Chakotay slowly shook his head.
“You can never do that. I’m here for the full trip. What’s between us has nothing…has no relation to what happened…what we have is love…emotional and physical. That was…just a physical bodily function…it was nothing…” He saw her smile and he kissed her. “It’s over love, finished and gone. We are all that matters now.” Chakotay kissed her again then got up and lifted her and carried her to bed. They hugged each other tightly and fell into a dreamless and healing sleep.
Over the next two weeks, Chakotay saw the old Kathryn emerge slowly. He watched her when Naomi came to visit and knew that seeing the child playing and laughing was the best medicine for her. He marvelled with Sam at how quickly the girl bounced back and at the resilience of the child and he saw this rub off on Kathryn. A deep friendship developed also between Kathryn and the child’s mother and Chakotay welcomed it. As he saw it, they had a daughter in common now.
Within another week Kathryn was back on duty and found facing everyone was easier than she thought it would have been. All she got from her crew were smiles and good wishes and silent expressions of support and respect. Nothing was spoken of directly and Kathryn was grateful for that but each knew the other knew and more was said with silence than words could ever have expressed.
Within two months, Voyager appeared back to normal but Chakotay noticed Kathryn a little quieter than she had been and planned on talking to her about it. When she failed to turn up for the bridge the next morning, he fretted and grew more worried when the Computer informed him that she was in sickbay. When he called her, she informed him that she just needed to speak with the Doctor about something and he let it go but his mind refused to.
Kathryn entered sickbay and waited in the Doctor’s office until he had finished healing a burn a young Ensign from Engineering had received. Finally he joined her and indicated for her to sit.
“Captain, what can I do for you?” He saw the worry clearly on her face.
“Doctor, I…I needed to ask…when you treated me…after…did you…” The Medic leaned forward. “Did you make sure…that there wouldn’t be…any…as a result of what…” The Doctor nodded, reading what she couldn’t say.
“Did I make sure you wouldn’t be pregnant from it?” He saw her nod slowly. “Captain, I took care of that. I assure you there was no chance of anything like that…why do you ask?” He saw relief on her face followed by a sheepish smile and then worry again.
“You’re sure? There’s no way…” The Doctor stood and moved around his desk to her.
“There is no way Captain. I assure you.” She smiled again and he guessed why she was here. “Do you want me to run some scans for you?” She just nodded and followed him as he led her to a biobed. After a few minutes, he closed his tricorder and smiled at her.
“Captain, you are indeed pregnant. I’d say about… nearly six weeks and I can tell you that…well we’re talking one hundred percent human. I can see that even at this early stage.” He smiled again as Kathryn’s face lit up. “Congratulations Captain and now while I hate to burst this bubble, I’m going to give you the usual lecture. No coffee, no late nights, no…Oh what the hell, you know this speech better than I do. Now, I also have to tell you that…” Kathryn swung herself into a sitting position and grinned.
“I will Doc, I give you my word. This is too important.” At that moment, Chakotay burst through the doors and took in the scene before him.
“Sorry…I was just worried…and I didn’t believe…” When he saw Kathryn on the bed and the Doctor holding the tricorder, he panicked. “Kathryn, are you all right? What’s going on? What’s…?” The Doctor threw his eyes up and looked to his Captain who nodded her permission.
“Commander, kindly control yourself in my sickbay. Now first off, congratulations and secondly, if you’re going to be a father, you’d better learn to act accordingly. Good day to you both. I have work to do.” He smiled as he saw Chakotay’s jaw literally drop and placed a finger under his chin as he passed, closing the man’s mouth.
“Kathryn? Are you really…?” He just got a tearful, happy smile in answer and he swept her into his arms and twirled her around then panicked again and put her down. “Oh God I’m sorry, are you all right?” Her laughter rang around sickbay.
“Chakotay, I’m fine, I won’t break.” She grew serious. “Are you really all right with this?” His grin answered her question. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything but I had to be sure first, that I was and that it wasn’t from…” He understood immediately and hugged her.
“I’m over the moon honey. Oh God Kathryn, a baby…for us…” Kathryn stroked his face.
“Our child, our own child, our future…what we do it all for…” They kissed and hugged, both of them crying tears of happiness. Chakotay pulled back a little and stared deeply into her eyes, memorizing the moment for all time.
“Kathryn Janeway, I love you. I love both of you.” A slight cough behind them caused them to break apart and the Doctor’s head poked around his office doorway.
“Actually, that should be ‘all three of you’. Sorry, didn’t mean to eavesdrop.” The head disappeared again.
This time, no one was there to close their mouths.
RETURN TO STORY INDEX ONE.
RETURN TO STORY INDEX TWO.