Disclaimer:  Paramount owns all things Star Trek Voyager.  I don’t.  Only borrowing                 
                     them. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Rating:          NC 17.  Kids go play elsewhere.  Contains adult material.

Summary:     Kathryn goes to see Chakotay one last time in the hope
                      that he has moved on and put her apparent betrayal behind him
                      but strong feelings are still there.

This came from an idea I got while reading another story.  I can’t remember either the author or the title of the story.  If it’s yours, contact me and I’ll give the well-deserved credit where it’s due.



She decided to walk the last half mile to the address she had for Chakotay, needing the time to get her thoughts in order, if she decided to actually knock on his door.  She had no idea what she could say to him, if they came face to face or even if she would get a change to say a word, before he turned away from her, but deep inside she knew she would speak to him, whether he listened or not.

Finally she came to the house, a very traditional style dwelling, set back on a small parcel of land and surrounded by hundreds of small shrubs.  She noticed that the garden was well kept, despite the almost wild look to it and realized that this look was deliberate and it reminded her of pictures she had seen of old English cottage gardens.  As she looked at the house and the garden, she smiled sadly, as everywhere she looked she could see Chakotay’s mark and it made her happy to know that he had stamped his identity on the place, that it mattered to him.

She stood just at the edge of the path for a long time, trying to gather her failing courage and finally stepped forward and walked up the three steps to the door.  As she reached her hand up to knock, the door itself caught her attention and she realized that it was hand carved and this also gave her hope for him and so before she could turn and run, she forced herself to knock and then wait.

She had to knock again but there was still no answer and she debated leaving a note or turning tail and leaving, but something drew her towards the back of the house.  As she rounded the corner that took her into the rear garden, she caught her breath at the array of flowers and the scent of them was almost overpowering.  For a moment she was lost in this new world and then suddenly he was standing in front of her, and instantly she saw that nothing had changed for him by the look in his eyes.  After all this time, her heart still skipped a beat but the pain came back quickly with his first words to her. 

“Just what the bloody hell are you doing here” was spit out at her and the words were delivered like physical blows and she felt them just as painfully.

“Chakotay please, I know I’m the very last person you ever want to see, but I’m just asking a few minutes of your time, and then I’ll go, and I promise I’ll never bother you again, just a few minutes and then I’ll leave you alone forever, I promise, please....” 

Her eyes searched his face for any reaction and something seemed to show for a split second at the sound of her voice but it was gone just as quickly.  He was silent for several minutes, just staring at her so she kept quiet, afraid that saying anything further would ruin any chance she had of this brief time with him.  Finally he just nodded and walked into house while she stood for a moment, unsure if she should follow but eventually she found her feet moving, following where his had been just seconds earlier. 

She entered a room with stone cladding on the walls and a large open stone fireplace.  The furniture was simple and she noticed the floor was polished wood with throw rugs scattered here and there.  The room was him and she could see that much thought and work had gone into creating a home and she found herself wondering if what she was seeing was the result of a woman’s touch but then dismissed that, seeing that everything spoke of him only.

She became aware of him watching her, watching her take in the room and she turned her eyes to him.  “Inspection finished, Captain?  I do hope it meets your high standards, still it’s something else for your report.”  

His words brought tears to her eyes and she turned away quickly before he could see them but he had.  “Oh tears, nice touch Captain but I’m afraid you’ll have to try harder this time as I know all your little acts now.” 

She stayed turned away from him and fought for control.  All she needed was a few minutes to ascertain that he was all right, was moving on and then she could leave him behind for good, for his good.

“Why are you here and what do you want from me this time?” 

His words broke through to her and she turned back to him, having gained some semblance of self control.  She drew a deep breath and met his eyes, but there was nothing in his eyes that she recognized of the man she had loved for so many years and who now obviously still hated her, despite having loved her for so long a time.

“I know I have no right to ask and you don’t have to tell me but.......I just wanted......I needed.....I have to know that.....that you’re all right, that you’re moving on with your life, that......that you’ve put me behind you.....and ....” she couldn’t go on and turned her head away but suddenly he was in front of her and roughly grabbed her chin in his hand, forcing her to look at him. 

“You bloody bitch” he spat at her,  “here to see if I’m ‘all right’, if I’m ‘moving on with my life’, how dare you, it’s more likely you’ve come to see the result of your own dirty handiwork, to see if you did a good enough job on me” 

Kathryn’s tears started again and she didn’t try to hide them.  “Oh Chakotay, no, you’re wrong, please, it’s not like that.  I just want to know you’re all right, honestly.”  He laughed at her, a cynical laugh and shoved her back from him but she managed to keep her balance. 

“How can you use the word ‘honestly’ to me, when nothing between us has ever been honest.  I loved you and you let me believe that you felt the same way, that there was hope for us and all along I was just some experiment to you, material for your study and your reports.  You....you used me, used us all and now you come here, after all this time to what...inflict more damage and hurt?” 

He didn’t continue but walked away from her and leaned against the mantel.  Kathryn was openly crying now and didn’t care.  She had to keep trying with him, make him see that all she wanted was to be sure he was going to be OK. 

“Chakotay, please listen to me.  Someday, you will.....I hope in some way....understand...all of this.  I can’t tell you....Chakotay, please, if you’ve never believed anything else, please just believe this.  All I want to know is that you are all right, that you’ve moved on with your life, that maybe you’re happy now.  I also want to ask you, please, to put this behind you, to put me behind you, forget me...let me go.  Whatever you feel for me, hate, whatever, let it all go.”  His sudden cry of anguish shocked her and he spun round to her. 

“Forget you, forget you, how can I?  Love you or hate you, I’ve tried both and they both cause me pain.  You have no idea what you did to me Kathryn, have you?  Let me tell you, you ruined my life, destroyed my trust, betrayed everything I believed in, took my heart and all the love I gave you and you just trampled all over it and when you were finished, you threw it all back in my face.  It meant nothing to you, I meant nothing to you, and now you come here, after all this time, for what?  What do you really want from me, forgiveness?”  Suddenly he started laughing and she watched him with tears running freely down her face.  “I know, you want absolution, you’re what...dying, going away, being promoted, or....oh I know, better yet, going to kill yourself, yes, that’s a good one, maybe all of the above, and you felt the need for a confession, get it all off your chest before you go”  He stopped laughing and sneered at her.  “Well, am I close?”

He was so caught up in his own pain that he failed to see the pain and shock on her face, although it registered in the back of his mind.  “Let me guess, maybe you’ve come for a fond farewell, or do I still have information you need, oh and Kathryn dear, tell me one thing, something I’ve always wondered.  Why didn’t you ever fuck me?  Sorry, my mistake, you did fuck me, just not in bed, in fact, you fucked the entire crew, didn’t you?” 

The turn of his words shocked her deeply.  It was the last thing she expected to hear from him but his rage and bitterness were building and she felt the stirrings of fear.  “This was a bad idea, I should never have come, I’m sorry, I’ll go.” 

Kathryn made to turn and go out the door she had entered towards the back garden but suddenly he was there, blocking her path.  She looked into his eyes and was shocked to see tears forming there. 

“Why Kathryn, why? Please, I need to know how you could do that, lie to me all those years.  You told me you loved me...did you mean any of it?”  He stopped but made no move to allow her past and suddenly the bitterness was back.  “‘Any and all means’  wasn’t that it, in your orders, to use ‘any and all means’ to gain my trust but I guess telling me you loved me was as far as you could go, couldn’t bring yourself to go any further.” 

Suddenly he grabbed her face between his hands and the bitterness was gone again and this time he spoke no words but his eyes asked all the questions.  Kathryn cried all the harder, her resolve breaking and she wasn’t sure what she was saying. 

“Chakotay, I did love you, do love you, I wasn’t lying about that, but there were reasons I couldn’t let it go any further.  I never wanted to hurt you, please believe that.  I knew what would happen and it did and look at us now.  I never wanted to hurt you, I love you too much for that, but it had to be this way, because I love you.  I wanted nothing more than to be with you totally but I couldn’t, for your sake, for you, and now I just want you to let me go, for you, for your safety and protection, Chakotay, please....” 

He only heard part of her words, and his hurt and bitterness rose up in him again.  “Oh, you loved me, wanted nothing more than to be with me totally?”

He was like a man possessed and suddenly Kathryn felt herself being dragged back into the room.  She felt his hands on her face again and then he was kissing her with such force that he was bruising her lips and she tried to push him back but her thin frame was no match for his strength.  He pulled back a second and looked closely at her face, then ran his finger across her upper lip and the scar there, his other hand grasping her hair and pulling it tight, so she had no choice but to lean her head back. 

“I see you still carry my mark.”

“Chakotay please, you’re hurting me.” 

“Good, you actually feel something.  I wasn’t sure you could.  Maybe I’m doing you a favour, after all” and he pulled her to him again for another bruising kiss. 

Kathryn actually found herself getting lost in the kiss, her body taking over her mind and she struggled desperately to regain control of herself.  She was aware of Chakotay kissing down her neck and then his hand was on her breast, roughly kneading her through her sweater.  She tried telling him to stop but he was lost in his own world and then she felt him drag her down to the floor and she struggled against him but he was too strong for her and then suddenly she was on her back on the floor and he was on top of her.   She cried to him that this was wrong, that it shouldn’t be this way, but he heard nothing.

She tried to push him off, punch at him but he just grabbed her wrists and pinned them above her head with one hand, his fingers digging into her skin, and suddenly all the fight was gone from her and she realized that there was a part of her that wanted this.  She knew he needed to punish her, get his revenge in some way and she also knew she would let him have it, that she probably deserved it and so she just lay there and let her tears run their own course.  She felt him push her sweater up and as if he sensed her lack of struggle, he let go of her hands and then both his hands were on her breasts.

Kathryn kept her arms above her head, giving him whatever he wanted to take.  She felt him bite and suck at her nipples and bit down on her lip to stop from crying out in pain but she was also amazed to feel the stirring of something else and was almost horrified to realize that what she was feeling was akin to passion. 

She was aware then of his hand moving lower and tugging at her skirt, pulling it up around her waist, and Kathryn suddenly thought of her scars and prayed he wouldn’t see them.  His fingers were rough from the months of gardening and Kathryn tried to stop crying out as they grazed across her thighs and the burn scars there.  She even avoided crying out as his knees pinched the tender skin of her thighs as he roughly parted her legs.  He grasped her panties and roughly ripped them away, the tear of the material burning her skin.  She felt him hot and hard against her and suddenly she was terrified, knowing what pain was to come.  It had been almost eight years for her and she knew her body wasn’t ready for this and she felt herself tensing, knowing that this was only going to make it worse but she had no control over it.

Kathryn felt him suck at her breasts again, and then she felt him press against her opening and without any further preparation on his part, he suddenly plunged deeply into her.  White, hot pain burst through her lower body and this time she couldn’t stop it and she screamed out in pain.  He was merciless as he rammed in and out of her, filling her to the hilt and she felt him grab her thighs and push her legs up, making his penetration even deeper.  It registered in her mind somewhere, that this must be hurting him too, her lack of lubrication and then she was aware of his tears dropping onto her face and his mantra  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Just as she felt something stir in the pit of her stomach, an almost forgotten feeling, she felt him shudder and then spill himself inside her.  He lay on top of her for several minutes, a dead weight, making it almost impossible for her to breathe.  Finally he rolled off her, but she felt herself unable to move as the pain continued to rack her lower body.  She eventually tried sitting up but the pain stopped her so she rolled onto her side instead and tried sitting up this way.  Her hand went to hold herself, thinking she could ease her pain and her hand came away wet.  She checked herself and suddenly realized that the wetness she had thought was his semen was in fact, blood.

Kathryn eventually managed to kneel and then stand.  She picked up her panties and tried to clean herself as best she could and then looked down at Chakotay.  He lay still on the floor, sobbing gently, still repeating “I’m sorry.”  Kathryn looked down at him, her own tears falling, and whispered to him.  “No love, I’m sorry and I hope that helped” and with that she stiffly walked out of the room, holding her abdomen in a vain attempt to ease the pain.

Kathryn got as far as the transporter station, before the pain forced her to stop and lean against a wall.  She had managed to straighten her clothes as best she could but her tears kept coming.  Suddenly a vicious pain stabbed through her and she cried out, sliding down the wall to the ground.  Within seconds, the attendant was beside her and calling for help.  Things became a blur for her and the next thing she understood clearly was lying on a biobed in a clinic of some kind with a gentle female face looking down at her.

“Whe...where am I?”  Kathryn looked around her wildly then tried to calm herself. 

“It’s all right dear, try and relax” the woman approached her gently.  “I’m Dr. Chang and you’re at The Bay Medical Clinic.  You were at the transporter station and collapsed.  Can you tell me who you are and what happened?”  Dr. Chang took a chair and sat beside Kathryn. 

Kathryn looked around her, trying to collect her thoughts and suddenly everything came back to her with a rush, Chakotay, the pain, his state when she left.  “What’s wrong with me?” Kathryn asked, avoiding the questions asked of her. 

“We’re not sure what happened to you, perhaps you could help there.”  Dr. Chang left the question hanging in the air and waited to see if Kathryn would fill in the blanks.  When Kathryn made no move to supply any further details, the Doctor spoke again.  “Look honey, you had no identification on you and we have no way to contact anyone for you, can you at least tell us your name?” 

Kathryn looked up at the kindly face of this woman.  “I’d rather not at this stage, but please, what’s wrong with me?” 

The Doctor seemed to be considering her words carefully and she reached out a hand and laid it gently on Kathryn’s arm.  “You presented here with all the classic signs of.....it appears as if you were...attacked....well....raped, but you have no defence injuries and we were unsure if you were conscious during......when......”  Dr. Chang seemed reluctant to go on, unsure of how much her patient knew of what had happened to her, but she quickly understood from Kathryn’s response or rather lack of one, that she knew exactly what had happened.  “We’ve stopped the bleeding but you need more treatment and aftercare.”  Kathryn stared at the ceiling, saying nothing.  Dr. Chang stood up and looked down at Kathryn again.  “I’m just going to arrange for your treatment.  I’ll be back in a minute or two.”  She hoped giving Kathryn some time to absorb all this would help and maybe get her to open up a bit.  As she looked back at her patient, she wondered what had happened to her or who could have done this.

As soon as the Doctor was out of the room, Kathryn looked around for her clothes and spotted them on a nearby chair.  She was up and dressed in less than a minute, despite her pain and stiffness and five minutes later she had fled the clinic without arousing any suspicions.  She knew now she had left her wallet at Chakotay’s house and that if he tried to look for her, he would have no trouble finding her as her identification and address were with the wallet.  She knew she had to get away from San Francisco.  She was unsure even of how long ago she had been at his house.

She made her way to a different transporter station and walked a different route to her apartment.  Checking there was no sign of anyone she knew, she quietly let herself in to her apartment and quickly set about packing her few clothes and toiletries and what few personal photographs and items she had.  She quickly found her spare identification card and then loaded up her computer.  With a last look around, she left an apartment that looked no different now than when she was living in it.

It was getting dark when Chakotay began to come back to himself.  He knew he’d been out of it and suddenly found himself assaulted with the memories of earlier and remorse and guilt flooded him.  He sat up slowly and images came back to haunt him.  He raised himself stiffly and went to turn on the light.  In the middle of the floor, his eyes were suddenly drawn to some items on the rug.  He bent down and saw Kathryn’s wallet and then he spotted her panties and noticed in horror the blood on them and on the rug and in his mind, he heard her scream of pain and broke down in racking sobs. 

Finally he pulled himself together and knew he had to find her.  What if she hadn’t gone for medical care, if she needed help and couldn’t or wouldn’t get it?  Other things came back to him now as his mind started to clear.  He remembered how thin she had been and how ill she had looked, all the life and soul gone from her.  He remembered the scar on her lip, knowing he had put it there and he wondered briefly why she hadn’t had it removed.  Out of the blue, another thought came to him but he couldn’t seem to pin it down, and then it clicked.  Scars, there had been scars on her legs and on her lower arms, there had even been faint scars on her chest.  “What the hell happened to her?  They weren’t there before, I’d have known” he thought wildly, “I have to find her.”  He checked her identification card in her wallet and checked her address, here in San Francisco.  He tried to gather his thoughts.  This was the woman he hated, who had destroyed him so why did he care what happened to her.  “Because you still love her, never stopped, and now you’re as bad” came his own answer.

Within an hour, Chakotay was at Kathryn’s apartment but as he had expected, there was no answer and no-one in the building was of any help, everyone he spoke to stating that they had either never seen her in the six months she had lived there, or saying that they had only seen her once or twice but had never spoken to her and it struck him how lonely her life must have been.

Chakotay went to the only place he could think to go for help and less than half an hour later he sat with Tom and B’Elanna and told them the whole story, about Kathryn’s visit and what he had done.  They sat and listened, never once interrupting while he told them it all.  Finally when he finished and had gathered himself together, B’Elanna spoke.  “Chakotay, you know how I feel about her, that I can’t ever forget or forgive her for what she did, but even she didn’t deserve that.” 

Chakotay looked up at her with shame and guilt.  “I know that too and oh I don’t know, all this time, I tried to hate her, but I think what I thought was hate was in fact, pain.  I know now, I never stopped loving her and that today, and I pray for forgiveness, today was all that coming out and I hate myself for what I did and now I have to find her.  I tried her apartment but nothing and I don’t know where else to turn.  Please B’Elanna, I’m not asking for her, but for me.  I have to find her.” 

Tom and B’Elanna looked at each other and finally Tom spoke.  “Chakotay, we’ll help all we can, but it is for you, not her and just so you know, I don’t believe we hate her either.  Hate is too strong a word and neither of us can still reconcile the woman we thought we knew with the woman she turned out to be.  We both still remember her putting her life on the line a few times for us and now that doesn’t tie in with what we know but neither of us can forget the betrayal, still as I said, we will help you.  I’ll give Dad a call and see what he can do.  He is one of her bosses so he should know something.”   He stood up and left the room, patting Chakotay on the shoulder as he passed him.

Chakotay and B’Elanna sat in silence for a few minutes and then she stood up and went over to him and did the only thing she could in these circumstances and hugged him.  He was grateful for her support and allowed her to hold him but his mind refused to let go of the images of the afternoon and he knew self hate and guilt would be travelling with him for a long time to come.

Tom returned with a puzzled look on his face.  B’Elanna asked him if Owen had been any help but Tom just sat down, thinking a moment, then looked at them both.  “There’s something strange going on.  He wouldn’t say anything to me over the comm line, just that he would be straight over.  He seemed in shock by it all.”

Within half an hour, Owen Paris had arrived at his son’s house and quietly sat and asked if they would tell him the entire story, promising complete confidentiality.  Chakotay seemed reluctant but with B’Elanna’s silent nod of assurance, he retold what had happened and when he had finished, the three of them were shocked to see the tough Admiral Paris with tears running down his face.

“Dad, what is it?”  Tom was on his feet instantly, but Owen Paris was looking at Chakotay. 

“What happened today was only partly your fault son, the main blame lies at my door and it’s time to finally end it and when I’m finished, it’s not Kathryn you’ll all hate but me.”  Tom looked at his father and a fear started in his guts but he promised the old man in front of him that whatever he was going to say, he wouldn’t hate him, that enough hate had already gone around.

And so, the truth finally spilled forth and Kathryn wasn’t there for it’s revealing.  Owen Paris sat by the fire and told the three people in front of him everything.  He told them of Kathryn’s resignation immediately after them, how he had found work for her, at home as she had requested, about her self alienation, the whole cover-up, his involvement and his fear for Tom, how Kathryn had never followed her orders and how she took the whole blame for him but mainly to make sure that no member of her crew would ever spend a single day in prison.  He told them then about the shuttle accident, her vain attempts to save her mother and sister and the months spent in hospital, her injuries, her burns, learning to walk again, how her mother and sister had died believing as they did of her.  He spared no detail and when he had finished, he awaited their judgment on him.

None of them knew what to say, they were so wrapped up in guilt.  Owen Paris broke the silence. 
“Chakotay, she loves you.   I guess it was mainly for you that she did this.  Your hate, the hate of the others was easier for her to bear than to see you all go to prison.  That would have killed her and those bastards knew it.  The minute she walked into that first debriefing, she was fighting for you all and that immediately gave them the bargaining chip they needed.  Kathryn herself gave them their bargaining tool and they used it for all it was worth.  She knew nothing of all this until two weeks into your journey home and then she ignored it.  She intended to resign as soon as she got you all home and the sad part is, those orders need never have been issued, because Kathryn being Kathryn would have done what she did anyway, even had she known of the orders.  She would never have let an innocent people die.  Guilt and sorrow have lived with her a long time and after today, I don’t know.  For some time now, I’ve been worried about the state of her mind from speaking to her and I see the change in her, the letting go and then she came to me to get the information she needed, to see how everyone, the crew, were getting on with their lives.  I think she wanted to check how you all were, that you were all getting on with life and leaving the past behind you.  After that, despite her assurances to me, I think she was going to......let go.”

Tom and B’Elanna sat stunned and B’Elanna had tears pouring down her face.  Chakotay was torn between crying and wanting to kill someone.  Owen Paris touched his arm gently.  “I’m sure all you want to do is rip my throat out son, I thought of doing it myself a lot, but I had to think of Tom and I couldn’t let anything happen to him and later, well it was Kathryn who wouldn’t let me come out with the truth.  There are three Admirals still at Starfleet who have the power to carry out their threat and she knows that and to my shame, my silence helps them but no more.  This ends here.  I’m going public; in fact I’ve already done it.  Everything on this, I sent it already to a reporter I know, sent it just after your call, so Tom, I don’t think you’ll have a father to be proud of any more.” The old man slumped back in his chair, awaiting his son’s death sentence.

Chakotay slowly got up and looked down at the old man sitting by the fire.  “I don’t hate you for this.  As we’ve already said, too much hate has already gone round and I do understand to some extend why you did what you did. As for Tom and B’Elanna, I can’t speak for them but I do want one thing from you, no two.  Firstly, I have to find Kathryn and try and repair all this and secondly, I want the heads of those three bastards, whatever it costs.   I’ll do prison time, I don’t care, as long as they’re in the cell beside me and if you don’t do it, I will.”  With this he turned and left the room.

Chakotay sat in the garden for a long time, and all he could think of was Kathryn’s pain, her sacrifice and all that wasted time.  He thought of her being alone to deal with the deaths of her family, and of how they died, history repeating itself, her own injuries, the scars he had seen and he knew how deep the burns must have been for the scars to still be there.  He cried bitter tears when he thought of how lonely she must have been, knowing how everyone hated her, the things they had all said to her and not being able to tell them the truth.  He cried for all of them but mostly for the pain, physical and emotional that his beloved Kathryn had gone through all alone and he cried for what he had done to her.

He was aware of a gentle hand touching him and looked up to see B’Elanna beside him.  “Hey, old friend” she smiled sadly at him. 

“How’s it going in there?” he asked her. 

She shrugged.  “A lot of healing needed there too, but he’s still Tom’s father and the kids’ grandfather and I suppose I understand why he did it, but Kathryn.  Oh Chakotay, to make such a sacrifice.  I don’t know about you, but the guilt I feel is terrible and I know I would gladly have done time in prison, rather than face this.” 

He looked at her sadly.  “You’re not the villain of the piece here.  I still mainly blame Starfleet and I want those bastards’ heads but I....me.....what I did to her today” 

“We’ll find her, I promise Chakotay”  He looked at her sadly.

“Before it’s too late?  You heard him, Tom’s father.  What if she?..... and after today.....” he broke off.  

“Chakotay, we’ll find her.  We have to believe that”  and B’Elanna hugged him.  Chakotay put his arm around her and suddenly a thought struck him. 

“Oh no,  B’Elanna, something’s just struck me and I.....today, I asked her had she come for absolution and why and I asked her was it because she was dying or leaving and then I said....I said... ‘or better yet, are you going to kill yourself’, and now I remember the look on her face, it was like shock or pain or like I had discovered her secret”  He grabbed B’Elanna.

“I think he’s right, that that was her plan, that she was saying good-bye, oh B’Elanna, pray it isn’t too late.”  B’Elanna just held him, murmuring comfort to little avail.