Disclaimer:  Paramount owns all things Star Trek Voyager.  I don’t.  Only borrowing                 

                     them. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Rating:          NC17.

Summary:     With things already strained between her and Chakotay, Kathryn finds

                      herself blackmailed into spending the night with an alien leader in order

                      to save her crew.  Afterwards she must deal with the fallout, physical

                      and emotional, as Chakotay and the crew stand back, unaware that their

                      Captain is fighting a battle she is rapidly losing.

WARNING:   This story contains graphic material of a violent and sexual nature.

                        If you are offended by such, please do not read on.  NC17 means                     


NOTE:  This story is based around KJ's A Time To Heal.  Check out her wonderful stories at



Chakotay lay in his quarters, trying to force himself to sleep.  His mind was determined to fight him though and thoughts of Kathryn with Garan haunted him.  He tortured himself with images of her moaning beneath him, her fingers running up and down his back as she moved against him and he found himself crying.  With super human effort, he hardened himself and forced his mind to think instead of her betraying him and hurting him and tried to use hate against her to dull the pain.  Some time towards early ship’s morning, he succumbed to total fatigue and drafted off.

Chakotay’s image of Kathryn wasn’t far wrong but her moans were of pain.  She lay beneath the heavy alien man as he pounded in and out of her, his own satisfaction all that mattered to him.  She pulled at the ropes which tightly bound her wrists to the headboard and her ankles to the footboard and felt them dig painfully into her skin.  She desperately tried to control her breathing, the other rope he held around her neck, shutting off some of her air.  She felt Garan begin to falter and knew this round would soon be over.  As he shuddered to a finish, his hand on the rope around her throat tightened and Kathryn struggled for air.  Within seconds, he saw what he was doing and loosened his grip.

“Sorry, I do get carried away.”  He laughed as Kathryn fought to pull air into her straining lungs.  “I’ll give you a little rest now.  I need a drink.”  He climbed off her and headed across the room to the small table which held several bottles of amber liquid.  As he sipped at his drink, he looked across at the woman tied to his bed and smiled.  He’d enjoyed himself tonight and the night was still young.  He decided he’d gotten the better deal now and tried to think of what to do next.

Kathryn lay there, trying to control her breathing and let her tears come.  She’d hoped that this night would mean having sex with him once, maybe twice.  She couldn’t have known that Calistran men were capable of engaging in sex again and again.  When he’d thrown her on the bed at first and dived on her, she had tried to bear it as he pawed at her and ripped the light fabric from her body.  She learned within seconds what he was into, that inflicting pain turned him on.  He bit and clawed at her, pinching, scratching and biting at her delicate skin.  Her cries fell on deaf ears as he continued his quest for satisfaction.  She felt him bite and squeeze her breasts and then continue down until he was biting and pinching the flash at the top of her thighs.  Kathryn struggled against him but discovered quickly that this only made him worse and caused her even more pain.  Eventually she lay still and let him take what he wanted.  She closed her eyes when she felt him settle himself between her legs and shut out the image of his face above her.  She screamed out when he entered her, pain burning through her and heard him laughing and grunting as he quickened his pace.  When he finished, Kathryn had had the hope that this was all there was going to be but he quickly shattered that illusion when he grabbed her and flipped her onto her stomach, pushing her legs apart and again entered her, pushing himself in and out until she once more felt him empty himself inside her.

The hours following this had been more of the same as he tried to think of all the perverse ways he could take her.  Kathryn finally found to her horror what the shadows in the room hid and when the lights were turned up, she saw an array of odd shaped furniture like objects, trying desperately not to let herself think how he would want to use them.  She came to understand his need to inflict pain and the enjoyment he got from marking her body.  She tried screaming louder, hoping that he would think it was hurting her more and might ease up but all this did was heighten his enjoyment.  She found herself slammed over tables and across strange chairs and tied or held down as he took her again and again.  He had taken great delight also in burning her with a candle, holding the flame to her and dropping the hot wax on her skin.  He pressed her down, holding her in place, even when she didn’t struggle and she came to understand that restraining her was part of the thrill for him.  His last game had been tying her to the bed with rough rope and holding one piece around her neck, as if to tell her he held her life in his hands.

Kathryn looked across at him now and saw him watching her.  She knew he was planning his next ‘game’ and she prayed for the morning, wondering if she would even survive until then.  She watched as he approached her and cut the ropes then hauled her up from the bed.

“What’s the matter my dear?  Not enjoying yourself?”  He pulled her across the room and pushed her against a vertical beam with a metal ring at the top.  He pulled the remains of the rope still attached to her wrists through the ring and secured them, then pulling her ankles apart, he tied them both to other rings on the floor.  She felt him run his hands up and down her back and tried not to think about what he would do now.

“Scream as much as you like for this.  No one will hear you anyway.”  She heard him move away a moment then come back.  Without warning, she felt something lash across her back and her scream came.  More lashes poured down on her back, buttocks and legs as she continued crying and screaming, her tears streaming down her face.  She strained desperately against the ropes which held her in place and felt them grate against her skin.  Suddenly it stopped and she felt him behind her, his hands probing her and then she felt his penis prod at her anus and cried out again as he rammed himself into her, his grunting in her ear his only communication with her.

Kathryn hung by the ropes holding her wrists in place, nothing but pain consuming her.  When he finally cut the bindings, she fell to the floor in a shivering heap and just lay there.  He left her there for some time and went to get something to eat for himself.  When he returned he dragged her across the floor by her hair, then picked her up and threw her on the bed again.  Kathryn screamed out in pain as her back made contact with the bed and she heard him laughing again.  Within minutes, he was on the bed with her, a small hand whip lashing across her breasts, stomach, thighs and arms.  Kathryn fought to defend herself but the more she did, the harder he whipped her.  Eventually she felt herself start to lose consciousness and he saw this, stopping immediately.  She felt cold water splash across her face and came back a bit, only for him to mount her again and take his pleasure. 

Kathryn passed out at some stage and woke to find herself gripped tightly by the sleeping man beside her.  The second she moved, he was awake and laughing down at her.  Kathryn turned her head towards the window and saw that it was light outside.

“You’ve had your night.  Let me go now.”  She tried to move but pain racked her body and she cried out.

“Oh I agree the night is over and I’ll keep my word.  You’ve well earned that.  How about once more for old time’s sake?”  He was crawling on top of her before she even registered his words but she was in no position to stop him.  Without even thinking about her movements, she spread her legs and allowed his penetration, her mind trying to leave the room.  She could feel him thrust in and out of her and closed her eyes.  She felt him pull out and turn her but ignored him as he entered her again, virginally and anally then turn her onto her back again, still scratching and biting at her as he entered her again.  At last he began to falter and shuddered to a climax, groaning loudly, his final thrusts brutal against her and she knew how badly torn and bruised she must be.  He fell over her, crushing the air from her and she felt his hot breath in her ear.

“Captain, you are some negotiator, well you’re not actually but I take what I can find.  You’ve been an interesting diversion.”  He climbed off her and pointed to the bathroom.  “Your things are still there.  Take your time and wash up.  We won’t be meeting again, I’m sorry to say and you’ll be on your way this morning so our ‘business’ is over.”  He got up and rolled her towards him then patted her backside.  “Captain, it’s been a…a pleasure doing business with you.”  He roared at his own joke, got up and left the room.

Kathryn lay for some minutes, trying to control the pain that washed over her and her tears.  Needing to get out of the room as quickly as she could, she eased herself up, crying out in agony as pain pushed it’s way up between her legs, but forced herself to stand and make her way to the bathroom.  Once inside, she locked the door behind her and made herself stare at her reflection in the mirror.  What she saw shocked her to the core.  Cuts, bites and bruises marred her skin and ugly bleeding welts cut across her from the whipping he had given her.  She saw deep rope burns on her wrists and ankles and to a lesser extend on her neck.  She turned slowly and tried to see her back and saw the welts there were far worse.  She gripped the side of the wash basin to steady herself as a wave of dizziness and nausea washed over her and fought the pain.

Finally, she gathered herself together and quickly tried to clean her cuts and bites as best she could.  When she put her uniform on, she cried out as the material pressed against the injuries and once more had to wait as the dizziness claiming her had passed.  When she finally felt she had herself under as much control as she could manage, she checked that nothing showed and saw that Garan had kept his word where that was concerned.  She exited the small room and made for the main door, not looking around her once.  What had happened in this room would stay here and she didn’t need any more reminders.  She carried enough of them already on her body.

Just as she reached the door, it opened and she jumped in terror, sure that Garan had changed his mind but found herself looking into the face of a kindly older woman.  She held out her hand and offered Kathryn what appeared to be a hypospray of sorts.

“Prefect Garan said to give you this.  He said you might have a bad headache from last night and this would help with the pain.”  Kathryn saw that the old woman knew only too well what had happened during the hours of darkness and she went to decline the offer.  “I assure you it is quite safe and it will…help you.  You’ll be able to…appear…as if there’s…no pain…”  Eyes met and a silent communication passed between the two women.  Kathryn saw understanding and apology in the sad eyes before her and nodded.  She tilted her head back and let the woman press the spray to her neck.  Within seconds, she felt the pain ease and nodded her thanks.  The woman showed her the way out and Kathryn called for a beam out, turning to find the old woman already gone.  Just before the transporter beam took her, Kathryn pulled her sleeves down to make sure the rope burns on her wrists wouldn’t show.

When Kathryn materialized on the pad in the transporter room, she nodded to the young Ensign on duty.  She knew the woman always had a smile on her face but this morning there was nothing.  She was polite and nodded a greeting, keeping her words to herself then looked away quickly from her Captain and went back to work.  Kathryn lowered her head, accepting what she saw as unspoken disapproval and stepped down, turning the grunt of pain that passed her lips into a slight cough but the young woman ignored it.

Kathryn had no sooner exited the transporter room than Chakotay appeared before her.  He handed her a padd but his manner was all business.

“The report on supplies Captain.”  Kathryn pushed the padd back at him.

“Later Chakotay.  You have the bridge this morning.  Get us out of here and back on course for the Alpha Quadrant.  I’ll take the later shift.”  She entered the turbolift, groaning to herself when Chakotay followed.

“Aye Aye Ma’am.  Whatever you say.”  He kept his eyes straight ahead and Kathryn leaned her shoulder against the side of the lift, needing something to hold her up.

“Rough night?”  He couldn’t resist it and his words dripped with sarcasm.  Kathryn shot him a look.  “I see you agreed a ‘price’ for our supplies then.”   Kathryn closed her eyes.  She couldn’t do this now, was in too much pain, emotionally and physically.

“Not now Chakotay.”  He looked at her as if he was looking at a piece of dirt and she met his eyes.  He shook his head and looked away.

“Not ever Kathryn, not ever.”  The lift doors opened and he walked out, not looking back once.

Kathryn managed to hold her tears back until she reached her quarters and when the doors closed behind her, she sank to her knees and gave them the release they needed.  She stayed like this for almost half an hour and finally forced herself painfully into a standing position and made her way to her bedroom.  She stripped slowly, each movement agony and made for the bathroom.  Once more, she saw the evidence of the previous night in the mirror, the bright light showing more than had been visible before.  She closed her eyes, trying to blot out the image of her battered body but it was already in her mind and refused to leave.  She ordered a tepid shower and cried out as the water made contact with her body, sending shards of needle like pains through her.  She tolerated the pain, needing to try and wash the feel of Garan from her skin but it remained.  She carefully dried herself and once more tried to clean the many injuries she had, using antiseptic she had in the small cabinet.  It was too painful to try and reach the ones on her back and she hoped they would heal of their own accord.  She badly needed more painkiller and contacted the doctor, claiming a bad headache and asking that he send her a hypo.  She overrode his objections and he eventually gave in.  As the drug dulled her pain a little, she drifted into a restless sleep, plagued with images of Garan and despite her exhaustion, they consumed her sleep.

No one on bridge duty that morning spoke with Chakotay unless it was absolutely necessary.  They all valued their heads on their shoulders too much, even Tuvok.  Their First Officer sat in his chair for the entire shift and glared at the viewscreen, as if the answers he sought lay within the stars which flashed by.  When he had to reply to an inquiry, he grunted an answer, leaving the person asking in fear for their life.  When Kathryn finally appeared on the bridge at the end of his shift, he barely acknowledged her presence and stormed off towards the turbolift.  He was gone before Kathryn managed to painfully turn around.

Voyager’s Captain spent most of her shift in her ready room, knowing that trying to hide the pain she was in was impossible for more than a few minutes at a time.  She sat on her sofa, leaning her shoulder against the upright part and let her tears fall.  The pain in her groin was almost unbearable.  Her cuts, bites and burns stung and pained dreadfully and she tried deep breathing exercises and anything else that came to mind, in an effort to control the pain.  She slowly became aware of the sound of someone calling for entrance and dragged her mind back to the present, wiping quickly at her tears.  B’Elanna entered with a padd in hand and tried to hide the study she made of her Captain but Kathryn saw the young woman’s eyes assess her and quickly lowered her head.

“Lieutenant, what is it?”  B’Elanna pulled her attention back to the matter at hand.

“Captain, I have to report that all systems are back up and running, however there are some problems with the Doctor.  His program seems to be going offline every now and then.  I’m trying to run down the cause of the problem but it could take some time.  He’s off at the moment and it will probably take an hour or so before I can get him back but that will only be temporary.”  She bit her lip.  “Actually Captain, this problem could take days to track down.  I’m sorry but with everything else…”  Kathryn shook her head.

“Lieutenant Torres, just do what you have to do.  You’ve apprised me of the situation and I trust you to handle it.  If we have any medical problems in the meantime, I’m sure Tom can handle the simple stuff.  Thank you for your report.  If there’s nothing else…”  B’Elanna shook her head.  She saw how Kathryn had hardly moved since her arrival and had lowered her eyes quickly, but not wanting to be caught scrutinizing her Captain, she murmured a thanks and left.

Kathryn sighed deeply and managed to stand, biting her lip against the pain.  Her mind raced as she digested what the Engineer had just told her.  She steadied herself and drawing in a deep breath, made her way onto the bridge, announcing that she had something to attend to and handed the bridge over to Harry Kim.  She made her way to sickbay and was glad to see no sign of the Doctor or anyone else.  She quickly helped herself to several hypos of strong painkiller and debated taking some antibiotic but not knowing enough about the drug, left that idea alone.  She masked the missing drugs as well as she could in the files and slipped back to her quarters.  At least with these, she felt she might get through this until her injuries started to heal.  She had considered taking a dermal regenerator to try and heal herself but knew it would be missed easily and the last thing she needed was the Doctor starting an inquiry into missing supplies.

Over the next week, Kathryn continued to suffer severe pain but with the Doctor’s program fluctuating, she was able to procure a constant supply of strong painkiller to mask its appearance when on duty.  She spent most of her shift time locked away in her ready room but when she passed crewmembers in the corridor or on the bridge, they always appeared strange with her and she took it as their disapproval in her, telling herself that she had lost their respect.  She found walking or sitting was even a problem, the constant pain between her legs wearing her down.  With her physical condition as it was, her emotional barriers were falling and she fought this by putting up an even stronger defence wall between herself and everyone else.  Chakotay for the most part, ignored her and spoke to her only when he couldn’t avoid it.  Even Tuvok seemed at a loss as to how to address her or speak with her.

When she wasn’t on the bridge, Kathryn stayed in her quarters, eating only enough to keep herself going.  Her injuries didn’t seem to be healing the way she thought they should and she found herself feeling ill most of the time now.  She still tried to clean the cuts and bites she could reach but they continued to bleed and weep and she covered this by wearing extra tee shirts in case anything might show through her uniform.

A full week after her night with Garan, she was in her readyroom when Chakotay rang for admittance.  As usual he was all business and barely met her eyes.  Kathryn instantly put her mask in place and waited for him to speak.

“Final details for tomorrow Captain.”  She frowned and he saw that she had no idea what he was speaking about.  “Ensigns Jones and Lopez, their wedding?”  Kathryn closed her eyes remembering now and wondered how she’d manage to get through it all.  This was one duty she couldn’t delegate and so she just nodded and took the padd form his hand.  She was aware of him studying her and turned away quickly.  Chakotay looked at her closely and softened a little.

“Kathryn look…  I don’t know where to start or what to…”  Kathryn dropped her head.  “Kathryn, what the hell is happening with you lately.  Oh I’m not talking about him or us, I’m talking about your attitude with this crew.  You were always removed from us all but lately you’ve turned to ice.  You function and nothing more.  What…”  Kathryn was close to losing her temper.

“You know what Chakotay, you say this is about the crew but I think it really is about you.  You can’t handle what happened and I disgust you because you had this perfect image of me that could never be real…”  His temper matched hers now.

“You’re right in some of that Kathryn.  I meant what I said about you and the crew though.  As to me, you’re right.  I think you do disgust me and it’s not just that it wasn’t me.  If it had made you really happy, I could accept if you had someone else in your life but this…  It’s that it was someone you didn’t even know.  How could you stoop so low, let yourself down like that?  I thought more of you and I believed you thought more of yourself.  You’ve let yourself down more than anyone and I believe you’ve probably gone down in the estimation of this crew.  I don’t think even Tuvok approves.”   Kathryn cut him off and turned to him, her face cold.

“You know what Chakotay, it doesn’t matter.  I’ll just have to live with that and so will you.  I’m not here to win any popularity contests.  I’m here to get this crew home so nothing else matters.”  Chakotay just laughed and shook his head.

“You believe that if you want to.  Basically, I pity you.  You’re a sad and I believe lonely and unhappy woman and the bitterness that comes from that has eaten you away.  I think you slept with him to see if you could still feel something, to see if you were still alive and it looks as if you found out you weren’t.  Maybe of course, it was just a sexual release for you but either way, all that’s left is a cold and hard woman.”  His use of the two words Garan had used tore at her and she barely managed to control herself.  Willing her mask into place, she just stared hard at him but he had more to say.

“Do you feel anything Kathryn?”  She lowered her eyes.

“You have no idea what I feel.”  She looked back at him and saw him move closer.

“Neither do you Kathryn.”  He reached out and pinched her arm and she jumped slightly.  “Did I hurt you?  Did you feel that?  I sometimes think Tuvok feels more than you do.  You’ve become a part of this ship, indistinguishable from a bulkhead or a console.  You move and speak but there’s no soul there.”  Kathryn hardened herself, wiped her face of anything and forced herself to meet his eyes. 

“If that’s all Commander…”  She couldn’t do this with him.  She badly needed another hypo and was afraid he’d notice something with her.  She had to get him out of there and so she fell back on her command mask.  Chakotay saw the coldness but not seeing what it hid, turned on his heel and left.

The following morning, Kathryn injected two hypos and managed to get through the ceremony, playing the Captain perfectly.  Once more she sensed the crew watching her, strange looks on their faces and saw that they rarely met her eyes for long.  As quickly as she could, she left the holodeck where the ceremony had taken place and fled to her quarters.  She knew she had to put in an appearance at the reception or at least the evening entertainment out of politeness and once more dosed herself with painkiller to get her through.  She dressed in slacks and a long sleeved blouse, wearing her usual tee shirt beneath it in case the cuts on her back bled through.  Leaving her quarters, a wave of dizziness and nausea washed over her and she bolted for her bathroom, barely making it and vomited for several minutes.  As she cleaned herself up afterwards, she studied her reflection in the mirror and saw how pale and sick she looked.  Adding more make up, she forced herself to the holodeck, planning on staying no more than ten or fifteen minutes or just long enough to wish the happy couple ‘congratulations’ and to have one drink in a toast to their future.

As soon as she entered the holodeck, she knew she’d made a mistake in coming.  An almost total silence descended over the place when she entered but B’Elanna quickly diffused the situation by making her way to her Captain and welcoming her.  Kathryn saw that Chakotay was already there and seemed to be propping up the bar, a drink in his hand.  She saw him look over at her then look her up and down.  With his first words, she knew everything would fall apart.

“Well well, to borrow from the title of an old play ‘The Ice Queen Cometh’. He ignored the glare B’Elanna sent his way and continued.  “Nice of you to come down from your throne and grace us with your presence.”  Kathryn closed her eyes and fought the urge to run.

“Chakotay please, not now.  I’m just here to wish David and Joanne well…”  He laughed.

“Don’t try and be too friendly now Kathryn, we can’t have you ruining that fine reputation you have or maybe you were in need of some company.  Tell you what, I’ll get Seven to keep an eye out for more M Class planets where we could stop.  Can’t have you getting lonely now, can we?”  B’Elanna turned on him.

“Chakotay, that’s enough…”  Kathryn placed a hand on the woman’s arm.

“It’s all right B’Elanna, I know what he thinks of me.  He’s told me before.  To him, I’m the whore of the Delta Quadrant.”  Chakotay’s face softened a little.

“I never called you that Kathryn, but since you mention the word, it’s obviously what you think of yourself.”  Kathryn stood her ground.

“It’s what you think.  It’s written all over your face every time you look at me.”  Neither of them was aware of the silence around them or the crowd gathering.  Chakotay’s face dropped into a sad expression.

“You said if it was anyone, it would be me.  Why him Kathryn?”  She looked sadly at him, her tears starting.

“I can’t tell you that…you wouldn’t understand and I can’t…”  His anger returned now.

“Maybe I would understand.  What was it?  Just sex with no emotions, no complications, something you can leave behind?”  He spit the words out and was barely aware of gasps from those around him.  Kathryn just grew paler.  Harry Kim stepped in.

“Commander, please don’t do this…  Leave her alone…”  Chakotay just laughed.

“Oh Harry, she doesn’t need protecting.  She wears solid armour.  Nothing hurts her with her shields up.  It’s us who need protecting from her.  She doesn’t feel anything, not physical or emotional, in fact she’s already dead.”  He saw Kathryn lose her battle with her tears and they spilled down her face.  “Oh tears Kathryn, nice touch.  Been taking lessons on the holodeck on how to appear human?”  Kathryn wiped at her face.

“Damn you Chakotay, I don’t…”  He cut across her.

“Too late, you’ve already damned me Kathryn.  You’ve been doing it for years but you just had to twist the knife one last time.”  He ran his hand through his hair.  “Was I not good enough for you?  What had he got that I haven’t?”  Once more his anger returned.  “Sorry, I know the answer to that.  I forgot his position, power, wealth and of course the ‘no ties’ element. You know Kathryn, maybe you should just get yourself a vibrator.”  Kathryn choked back a sob and turned quickly.  B’Elanna grabbed for her.

“No Captain, don’t leave please.  You have every right to be here.”  The Klingon turned and glared at Chakotay.  “Captain please stay.”  She pulled Kathryn back and turned her to face the room again.  She saw the older woman’s tears and wiped them from her face.  As soon as her hand made contact, she felt Kathryn’s temperature.

“Oh Captain, are you ill?  You’re so hot.”  She pressed her hand to Kathryn’s forehead.  “You have a high fever.”  She turned back to Chakotay.  “She’s not well…”  Chakotay laughed and shook his head.

“There’s nothing wrong with her.  There’s never anything wrong with her.  Isn’t that right Kathryn?  Nothing touches you?  Oh sorry, nothing except wealthy rulers of alien worlds.  Tell you what, maybe we can recreate him here on the holodeck and you can take him out and play with him when you want to or when the urge comes on.  Of course, in your case it’s ‘been there, done that’.”  Kathryn cried out and made a run at Chakotay but he side stepped her and she stumbled, falling backwards hard against the wall.  As soon as her back hit the hard surface, she screamed out.  Harry and Tom being the nearest, ran to her but she pushed them off.  She eased herself away from the wall, badly needing to escape the holodeck and slid along the bar, trying to keep her back hidden in case anything might show through her blouse.  Chakotay approached her and reached his hand out to her.

“Kathryn I’m sorry…please…I didn’t mean…it just hurts and I drank too much…please I’m sorry…”  Kathryn stopped and held her hand up, not wanting anyone near her.  She knew the game was up when she heard Harry’s voice.

“Oh God Captain, your back…you’re bleeding…Tom help her…”  As his words rang in her ears, a wave of dizziness and nausea consumed her and she felt herself falling.  She reached desperately for a chair but felt the blackness crash down on her just as she felt her fingers touch the edge of it.  Chakotay crying her name was the last thing she knew as she fell forward onto the floor.