|Disclaimer: Paramount owns all things Star Trek Voyager. I don’t. Only borrowing
them. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Rating: NC 17. Kids go play elsewhere. Contains adult material.
Summary: Chakotay finally finds out what has been holding Kathryn back from a
relationship with him.
Note: Thanks to Jess for the title and all the threats of death. I hope I met her
halfway. If not, my skull belongs on her shelf.
OLD GHOSTS NEW DEMONS.
By KAT LADY.
Over the next two weeks, they shared dinners and trips to the holodeck. Chakotay never took things further than kissing and gentle caresses. Kathryn was an amazing kisser to his surprise, and they learned very quickly what suited them both. Chakotay constantly fought his own body when it tried to respond but his fitness level was increasing rapidly from all the extra time on the holodeck.
Slowly bit by bit, their hands entered into the arena and Kathryn began to learn the feel of Chakotay. When they swam together and he held her close in the water, she enjoyed exploring his chest with her hands, moving now to kiss him there. Chakotay was always grateful for the coldness of the water. He explored more of her body too, barely brushing across her breasts but not lingering too long. He noticed her responding, her body making decisions for her.
Chakotay wanted all this to come naturally for Kathryn, the way it should have if life had not dealt her such a cruel blow. He knew for a lot of people that their first time was something best forgotten, adolescent fumblings which left behind regrets in their wake. He wanted her to have only happy memories of it all.
As they changed clothes to leave the holodeck one day after swimming, Kathryn’s towel slipped and she gasped slightly, looking to see if he had seen her exposed breasts. He had but just smiled at her and continued dressing himself. Kathryn was instantly at ease and continued dressing too, less shy now.
Chakotay was amazed about the whole situation. The old fashioned man part of him, which he didn’t like in himself, was feeling good about the fact that he was to be her first but mainly he was just so happy to be with her. He still found it difficult to reconcile the woman he had known before with the one he saw now. That such a strong person could have such a shy and vulnerable side astounded him yet he knew that every one had a side like that, that really one could not exist without the other. We all had our weakness, just rarely showed it. The fact that Kathryn had allowed him see this side of her, spoke of the love and trust she had for him. As he saw it, she wasn’t a virgin. She just hadn’t engaged in a sexual act with a man and in his mind there was a vast difference between the two.
That evening in her quarters, Chakotay asked her if she would allow him to show her a lesson in trust. She didn’t hesitate in her answer that she trusted him with her life.
“This is something we need to get out of the way OK?” She simply nodded her head.
Chakotay went into the bathroom and started filling the tub. He returned and led her back with him. Her curiosity got the better of her and she gave a puzzled look at the filling tub.
“Kathryn, you can trust me, you know that. Just let me do this. We need to get past this now. This has nothing to do with sex. I just want to put any embarrassment we may have with each other aside so we feel comfortable with each other and our bodies.” She nodded her consent.
He slowly moved to her and started undressing her and she didn’t resist. Her dress fell to the floor and she stepped out of it when he reached down to pick it up. He then stood and holding her eyes with his, unhooked her bra, dropping it to the floor then knelt and removed her panties and lastly her shoes.
He stood back and while gazing at her naked body, slowly removed his own clothes. Kathryn stood before him, letting him see her and finding herself comfortable with his gaze. Her own had wandered to his body and she took it all in, staring now as he removed the last item, his boxer shorts.
He reached out for her hand and motioned for her to get into the tub then gently lowered her into the water, shutting off the flow with his other hand before joining her, getting in behind her. Gently he soaped her back and washed her, then used the spray to wet her hair before applying shampoo. Kathryn leaned back against him and gave in to the sensations he aroused in her as he gently massaged her scalp. When he was finished, he rinsed her hair out then just pulled her to him, holding her.
After a few minutes, she moved away and turned in the water to face him. His smile met hers and he sat back and let her wash him, giving his body over to her hands as she explored and discovered. As her hands dropped under the water, she felt his growing erection and pulled back embarrassed but he just passed it off.
“It’s all right. You just have that affect on me. It’s natural. Don’t worry about it.” He turned in the water. “Here, my back needs doing.” The moment passed and any awkwardness was quickly forgotten.
When the water began to chill, he stood up out of the tub and reached for a towel then pulled Kathryn up to him. He dried her off and slipped her robe on for her and only then dried himself as she watched, hiding nothing from her. He tied the towel around his waist and sat her in the chair. He brushed out her hair and removed all traces of her makeup then emptied the tub, cleaning up as he went. They were sharing a closeness that went beyond anything physical.
When they were finished, he led her to the bedroom and let her get her own nightdress as he removed his towel and put on his shorts. When she was ready, he led her to the bed, pulled back the covers before getting in first and pulling her in beside him.
He opened his arms and she went willingly into them. He ordered the lights off and she felt him kiss her temple in the darkness before whispering goodnight. That night, Kathryn slept better than she ever had.
They slept together more and more now, sharing each other’s living space, dressing and undressing in front of each other. They shared the bath and shower all the time and Kathryn became totally at ease with Chakotay’s body and also her own.
As time passed, Chakotay would often stroke her body as he passed her and she learned to do the same. He wanted her to learn that the feel of a man’s hands on her body was about love and tenderness and erase the memories she had. He wanted to replace the images that could come to her, the ones where hands on her were about hurt and pain. Only when he was happy that she was completely comfortable, did he move on.
As they lay in bed one night, their kisses grew more passionate. Kathryn’s body was telling her things her mind was having trouble understanding and Chakotay saw this. His hands roamed over her body and she also explored his, but neither of them touched where the other needed most.
Chakotay trusted his instincts in reading her body and slowly leaned up on one elbow. Seeking permission with his eyes and getting the confirmation he needed, he slowly eased the straps of the nightdress down and started laying small kisses along her jaw and down her throat.
“Just trust me Kathryn. I won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. This is just about you OK? Just let me show you.” She nodded to him in the low light of the room.
He eased her nightdress all the way down and tossed it to the floor. He then stroked and caressed her, continuing to kiss her all over. Finally he moved in on her breasts and gently licked around her nipples before sucking on them. Kathryn’s breath caught in her throat at the sensations running through her and her hands gripped the sheets. Chakotay continued, reading all she was unconsciously telling him and gave her other breast the same attention.
What she was feeling was not totally alien to Kathryn but sharing it with someone and trusting them in this way was. Nothing before however, was ever as intense as this and she couldn’t have found words to describe the emotions and sensations that flowed through her. She knew she trusted Chakotay completely but was unsure if she trusted herself and whereas she was now completely at ease with him seeing her naked, she worried that she wouldn’t respond properly to him. She had no idea how to react with another person and hoped he would guide her. Her complete lack of experience in these matters still embarrassed her but Chakotay repeatedly reassured her and so she began to relax more. She felt his mouth and hands on her and the feelings they created flooded her body and mind. She felt overwhelmed and it scared her a bit, making her feel out of control but always there was the trust and love she had for him and because of those feelings, she never wanted this to stop.
Chakotay continued to move lower, licking around her belly button then across the line of her curls, his hands stroking her thighs. Very gently, he moved himself lower in the bed, looking back at Kathryn to make sure she was still all right with everything. What he saw took his own breath away. Her head was thrown back, her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open. He marvelled at how open and honest she was in her feelings and wondered if she had any idea how sexy she was. He had been with women who were vastly experienced yet just lay there, betraying nothing. He stared at the beauty before him, drowning in the image and feeling blessed that he had been chosen by the Gods for this task.
As gently as he could, he slowly parted her thighs and stroked his way to the treasure that awaited him. He lightly ran his fingers across her delicate folds and marvelled at how instinct worked. Her legs parted further for him, a mixture of that instinct and her ultimate trust in him and he felt tears come to his eyes at it all.
He moved in and gently parted her feminine lips then laved his tongue across her clitoris. Kathryn cried out suddenly and tried to sit up, an almost panicked look on her face.
“It’s all right. I won’t hurt you. Just trust me.” She nodded and lay back down.
“I do trust you Chakotay” Her voice was a breathless whisper. “I was just…I didn’t think you would…I’ve just never felt anything quite like…Oh…God…” The sensations swept over her as he worked her, thrilling and frightening her all at the same time.
“Just go with it Kathryn. Give in to the feelings and let them come. Please don’t ever hold back from me.” He only received a moan in response and continued.
He alternated between licking, blowing and gentle sucking as he brought her closer to her release. He found he had to almost hold her hips in place, her body’s responses taking over everything else. He saw how Kathryn’s head thrashed back and forth and her hands gripped the sheets tightly and he fought to control his own urges. Finally, her body convulsed in front of his eyes and her scream came as her body experienced orgasm for the first time at another’s hands.
Chakotay continued stroking her, bringing her back down and then he was lying beside her, holding her to him as she slowly came back to him. He knew the look on her face would stay with him for all eternity and offered a silent prayer of thanks that he had been the one responsible for it. Tenderly he wiped away the moisture that travelled from her eyes to drip onto the sheets.
“Kathryn?” She found her voice at last.
“That was…I can’t begin to… I just never knew it could be that… so…good. Thank you.” It was all she could say.
“Thank you for the honour. Kathryn, believe me when I tell you I wouldn’t care if you had had a thousand lovers before me. I mean that. I have to say though, that I feel a…I guess I feel honoured to be the first…I don’t know what I’m trying to say…just…I love you…” He claimed her mouth before she could say anything more.
Kathryn leaned back after a minute, breaking the kiss, a worried look on her face. “What about you? I mean…” His current state of arousal was clearly evident and Kathryn was quickly losing all her previous inhibitions.
“I’m fine, don’t worry about that…” She cut him off.
“Please Chakotay.” She seemed shy at first but pushed on. “I’ve…well…I was reading…” She slowly reached down and stroked him and he caught his breath.
“Let me try…I don’t want you to think I’m being forward…think bad of…” Chakotay tenderly stroked her face.
“Kathryn, never could I…I just don’t want you to feel any obligation or… This was about you…” She leaned over and kissed him.
“Then let ME…” She actually blushed. “Just guide me…” He just nodded as her hand returned to his now fully erect member.
Kathryn slid down the bed and using her hand, stroked and caressed him, then used both hands, one on his scrotum. Chakotay sensed how unsure she was but found it was his turn to grip at the sheets as he gave in to the feel of her soft hands working over him. Next thing he knew, he felt her mouth on him and her tongue lap at the tip of his straining erection.
Suddenly, it was Chakotay who sat up with a cry. Kathryn jumped back, thinking she had hurt him and the look on her face showed her distress.
“I’m sorry, oh God…I did it wrong…I hurt you…” Tears filled her eyes. Chakotay reached for her, desperate to reassure her.
“No, no, it was just…God it was wonderful, just…I was surprised too…” She still looked panicked. “Kathryn, I promise you…it felt so good…I just wasn’t expecting…” She smiled slowly.
“I told you I was reading…” He smiled also.
“I’ll have to see your reading material…” He lay back down. “I’m all yours.”
Kathryn continued, putting what she had read into practice. Chakotay stroked her back as she ran her hands and tongue over him. He spoke softly to her, unashamedly telling her what he liked. He knew he wouldn’t last long and could feel the onset of his own climax fast approaching. He was afraid of frightening her, that his ejaculation would remind her of the past, so he gently sat up and pulled her head back a little. She looked at him with her uncertainty showing and he just smiled softly at her. He reached a hand down and covering hers, which still held him, he guided both their hands into a rhythm to bring himself to an explosive conclusion. His shout of joy was from the soul and he collapsed back on the bed, pulling Kathryn with him. When he opened his eyes, the amazed expression on her face met him.
“You’re all right…I mean…it was…good…I did it all right…I…” He just pulled her down to him.
“Kathryn, that was… shooting stars…wonderful…” He smiled at her and she looked like a child being praised for a top rate report card from school. He had been worried that bad memories would come to her but saw that she was fine. This was about the two of them now and nothing else existed.
They held each other closely until sleep finally claimed them. Chakotay awoke once during the night, feeling a slight chill and reached down for the blanket to cover them. He lay awake for a while just watching her face by the light of the stars and marvelled again at the fact that she was finally with him. He kissed her softly on the forehead and she stirred slightly, her arms tightening around him. Even in sleep, her complete trust for him was there and his heart swelled. He pulled her into his embrace and drifted off again.
The entire crew noticed the difference in their Captain and First Officer and crew morale was at it’s highest. Chakotay was walking on air and Kathryn had never been happier in her life. She knew she still had a final step to take and while it scared her, she knew Chakotay would guide her through. He never pushed her or even mentioned taking things any further. For the next few weeks, they were both content to just continue as they had been. It was physically satisfying for them both and Kathryn’s ‘technique’ improved all the time, much to her delight and Chakotay’s pure enjoyment.
Chakotay taught Kathryn more about her own body and encouraged her to explore herself, physically as well as emotionally. He wanted her to learn that there was nothing wrong or taboo about it and encouraged her to do what felt good. He watched as she would give pleasure to herself, letting her discover what she liked and what worked best for her. He learned for himself how best to please her and he bathed in the trust they had developed. He also would pleasure himself in front of her, hiding nothing from the woman he loved and in this way, found he was also learning himself.
Kathryn became an avid reader of every manual she could find in the ship’s databanks and put every item she learned to good use. One evening, Chakotay noticed she appeared a little quiet and eventually got her to open up.
“Chakotay…I was wondering…what I’m trying to say is…I guess…well…can we try…” Chakotay smiled gently, wondering what she had been reading now.
“What? You want to tie me up?” She smiled at him but shook her head.
“Maybe later…” She smiled but then her face grew serious. “I want to…really…be one…to…” Now he understood.
“Kathryn, are you saying…intercourse, penetrative…” She nodded, looking away.
“I know it will be…it will hurt a bit…if we can just go slow…” He took her face in his hands.
“Kathryn, if you’re sure about this…” She nodded her head and he kissed her. “Maybe it would be better…well to see if the Doctor can help first…or…” She shook her head.
“No. I want it to be you, only you.” Chakotay was overwhelmed with feelings for her.
“I’ll go as easy as I can…and slowly…I never want to hurt you…” She just pulled him to her.
“I know that. I need to do this. Can you understand?” His answer was to pick her up and carry her to the bedroom.
He undressed them both slowly and worked his way across her body, kissing and stroking every inch of skin he could reach. Finally he lowered his mouth over her centre and brought her to an explosive climax, then just as she came down from it, he worked her onto a second, leaving her panting on the bed in front of him. His hand continued spreading the wetness he had helped her produce and as her eyes met his, he gently ran a finger around her entrance then slowly inside. Keeping his eyes locked with hers, he slowly let one digit enter her. Kathryn gasped and he stopped immediately. This was something he hadn’t tried with her. When he saw he wasn’t hurting her, he continued, sliding the finger in and out. She was wet and more than ready but he could feel with just the one finger, how tight she was and he knew it was going to hurt her.
He continued with his one finger, the other hand leisurely stroking over the tiny bundle of nerves above it and when he felt she was ready, he added a second finger. Her tightness made itself known to him immediately and he eased up.
“Kathryn love, you’re very tight. Maybe it would be better to just continue like this for a while, a few days, ease yourself in…” His concern was clearly evident.
“No please. I know it will hurt but it’s only a short time. Please Chakotay, I want to do this…” He just smiled gently.
“All right love. I promise I’ll be as gentle as I can. Try your best to relax. It’ll be easier. Give yourself over to me and to the feelings.” She took a deep breath and relaxed herself as best she could.
Chakotay continued as he had been for a while longer, finally entering her with three fingers while bringing her to a third climax. He stayed inside her as she came down from it, then slowly slid his fingers in and out of her before pulling out completely.
Now he picked a pillow up and placed it under her hips, trying to think of all the ways he could make this easier. He willed his own body to control itself, his throbbing shaft longing just to plunge in to her depths and surrender itself.
He took some deep breaths of his own and positioned himself on his knees then pulled her hips up to meet him. He hesitated again.
“Kathryn are you absolutely sure? I’m not boasting but I’m not small and…”
“Please…” He just smiled his understanding.
He stroked the tip of his penis slowly over her folds, catching her clitoris with each pass. He saw her consciously relax herself and then eased the tip into her opening. She was so tight that he hesitated again, knowing the pain that would follow for her but again she urged him on.
As slowly and tenderly as he could he eased himself in, watching her face for the signs of discomfort and pain he knew would show. He watched as she held her bottom lip between her teeth and stopped each time she winced, even slightly. They had all the time they needed for this and he was determined that this would be as painless as possible for her. He entered and withdrew many times, each time getting a little further. He gently stroked her small pearl of pleasure, easing her and whispering to her with words of love.
When he was halfway in, her tightness finally stopped him and he met with what felt like solid resistance. He knew himself that her hymen would have been broken many years ago through sports and the like but her body had never been stretched in this way before and he knew that there was no way to ease this. He saw that Kathryn understood but still she urged him on. Chakotay pulled out and this time lay over her, positioning himself against her again. His hands urged her to bend her knees on each side of him and he took his weight on his elbows, his hands each side of her head and stroked her face.
“Just hang on to me sweetheart.” She nodded, slipping her arms around his back and felt him enter her to where he had been before and then encounter her tightness again.
Chakotay pressed deeper, hating what this was doing to her, hating being the one causing the hurt but still she urged him on. Feeling that it would be better to get the pain over with quickly, he readied himself.
“Ready?” She smiled softly at him and nodded. He saw her swallow and draw in a deep breath then relax herself.
He pressed hard and quickly into her, finally getting all the way in and her cry of pain tore at him. He quickly pulled her against him, soothing words flowing from him. He felt her nails dig into his back but ignored it.
“Shhh that’s it, that’s the worst of it. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He saw her tears and brushed them away with his lips. He stayed still, not yet daring to move. He fought desperately to control his body, the feel of her tightness surrounding him almost unbearable. When he felt her adjust to his size, only then did he start to move in and out slowly, a little at a time. He did his best to keep his pace slow but as he felt it go easier for her, he increased it. Wanting her to come with him this first time, he reached down between them and massaged her where their bodies joined. As his pace quickened, he felt her begin to contract around him and knew she would join him.
When he could hold back no more, he let go and she joined him, crying out in pleasure this time. She felt his release flood her cervix and she became aware of a shared closeness never experienced before. Chakotay stayed inside her for several minutes then slowly pulled out, only then noticing Kathryn’s blood staining the pillow still beneath her hips from where her soft tissue had torn and a distraught look crossed his face. She sat up with him, smiling softly in reassurance that she was fine and saw the stains for herself of what in centuries before had been considered evidence of the passage to true womanhood. Kathryn knew at this moment that it was what she felt in her heart that made her feel a woman and she gently reached for him. Chakotay pulled her to him and they held each other for a long time.
Finally he eased back, needing to check on her. She reassured him that she was all right, if a little sore and then lay back as he undertook a task of love for him and he gently cleaned her, feeling so privileged to have been allowed into her life like this, to be the one to share this with her. At this place in his life, he knew he had never felt closer to another living creature as he did now and knew he would never want to again.
As they fell asleep in each other’s arms that night, they were truly one.
RETURN TO STORY INDEX ONE.
RETURN TO STORY INDEX TWO.