Paramount owns all things Star Trek Voyager. I don't. Only borrowing them. Etc. Etc. Etc.
NC 17. Kids go play elsewhere. Contains adult material.
Back home, Kathryn listens to an old song and regrets her decision not to let Chakotay into her life. As her heart breaks, something strange happens.

Send In The Clowns

by Kat Lady

Kathryn Janeway – Personal Log.

Damn Tom Paris and his obsession with 20th century music. He gave me this song and it could well have been written for me.

The lyrics mock me and yet I can't turn away from them, can't turn them off. Perhaps I need to feel the pain they inflict, feel the punishment they cause me.

Isn't it rich
Are we a pair?

I guess I always hoped or more so dreamed we'd be a pair. How wrong a person can be? All I have now is the image in my mind of us.

Me here at last on the ground
You in mind air

We got home in more or less one piece. I wish I could say the same about my heart. I'm here alone now in this empty house and you're gone. You left and returned to your home and I can't blame you.

Send in the clowns

I'm the clown. No need to send them in. There's one here right now. I might as well be wearing clown make up, my face masks my pain so well. The famous captain's mask still works well.

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?

My decisions come back to haunt me. I waited too long and yet I know I couldn't have had the strength to do anything else. I was the one who could never approve of 'us' and I waited.

One who keeps tearing around
One who can't move

I was the one on the move, moving away from you all the time and you stood still and waited until you couldn't wait any longer. I can't blame you for that but I so regret the pain I caused you.

Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns

Nothing is funny now. Nothing can ever make me smile again.

Just when I'd stopped
Opening doors
Finally knowing the one
that I wanted was yours

We got back and I suddenly realized that you were all I could ever want. It finally hit me how I couldn't live another moment without you. You were all I could ever want. I finally stopped pretending.

Making my entrance again
With my usual flair,
Sure of my lines
No one is there

I went to see you that night only you'd gone. I tried to speak with you earlier in the day and I thought I saw hope in your eyes but because some admirals were nearby, I pulled back when you raised your hand to my face, so afraid that any sign of affection between us would jeopardize your chances of a pardon. You saw my reaction and the pain in your eyes tore into me.

So I went to you, all my lines perfectly rehearsed, only you'd gone, you weren't there to hear them. You'd all been pardoned and you'd left immediately.

Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear
I thought that you'd want
What I want, sorry my dear

I foolishly thought you'd wait, that you wanted what I wanted so much. Was my ego that big?

But where are the clowns
There ought to be clowns
Quick send in the clowns

Send whoever, it doesn't matter. I've left now. There's no one here any more.

What a surprise, who could foresee
I'd come to feel about you
What you felt about me

I only now realize the depth of my love for you. Only now can I understand what you felt all those years. I knew I loved you but only now when you've gone do I know the pain I put you through all that time.

Why only now when I see
That you've drifted away

It took you leaving for me to see how painful it was for you. Now I hate myself and I can't take this pain. Did I ever think it would come to this? Me coming to you and you not there. Now I'm the one with the breaking heart.

What a surprise
What a cliché

Life has such a way of kicking you in the guts. I deserve this pain. The punishment is fitting the crime.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late
In my career

I was the perfectly trained Starfleet captain. So well trained to know the right thing to do and the right moment to do it. I guess I missed the classes that teach you about real life, how not to hurt the ones who love you, the ones you love, how not to screw up their lives.

And where are the clowns
Quick send in the clowns

I've been such a fool and now I'm paying for it. I deserve all I get, all this pain. Oh God, Chakotay, I love you so much. Finally I can say the words, only you're not around to hear them. I have nothing now and it's my own fault.

I miss you so much. I deserve this pain.

End Log.

Don't bother they're here.

"I'm here too, Kathryn."

My mind's finally cracked. I thought I heard…behind me…his voice…


My name again but it can't be. He's gone and I'm alone now. I pushed him away. I can't move.

There's comfort in this madness. I feel his hand touching my hair and then the back of my neck. I'm too afraid to turn around and shatter this dream or illusion or whatever it is.


A whisper…my name once more.

"I'm dreaming or I'm going mad…" Did I speak aloud?

The hand moves to my cheek, caressing me and I feel tears escape my eyes.

"I love you."

I whisper the words almost like a prayer. He can't hear them anyway as this isn't real but they echo back to me in his voice.

"I love you too, Kathryn. I never stopped."

I close my eyes and drown in the feelings surrounding me.

"Kathryn, look at me please."

I open my eyes but stare at the floor. I'm so afraid . He can't be here.

I move my eyes and see his feet and hold my breath. I allow my eyes to slowly move upwards – his legs – his waist. I feel the softness of his hand on my face, his thumb as it wipes at my tears. I inhale his scent, which seems so real.

My eyes continue their journey and suddenly there's his wonderful face and those
beautiful eyes. My tears continue and he wipes them gently.

"I love you, Kathryn."

Again his sweet voice and I answer.

"I love you…I love you." And then he's kneeling in front of me and I see him lean towards me. His lips brush mine and I'm drowning.

I'm still so afraid this is some cruel dream from which I'll awaken but it feels so real, the touch of him and his scent and I know I never want to wake up.

I fall towards him and he catches me and lowers me to the rug in front of the fire. His eyes seek my permission to continue. My tears answer for me and I repeat the only words I'm capable of.

"I love you…I love you…"

He kisses my tears away and I taste his. Our clothes melt away somewhere and then I feel him suckle at my breast and a sob erupts from my throat. I feel the silkiness of his skin under my fingers and then he moves lower and he's spreading me and - Oh God, it was never like this.

I feel myself floating back amongst the stars but I still feel his presence. I become aware of him moving over me and suddenly we're one, and I journey back to the stars, to that place, and I feel him join me there, fusing us together for all time.

I'm lying in his arms now, feeling safer than I've ever felt and as he holds me so close to him, I know with every fibre of my being that only now am I finally home.