Disclaimer:  Paramount owns all things Star Trek Voyager.  I don’t.  Only borrowing                 

                     them. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Rating:          NC17.

Summary:     When a trading mission goes disastrously wrong, Kathryn gives her

                      life to save her crew, leaving shattered lives behind her.  Voyager

                      continues on without her, until an alien ship catches up with them,

                      bringing a story which might just give some hope.

Note:- This story is based around and continues on from Ragpant’s wonderful ‘A Duty To The Ship’.  I just couldn’t take the sad ending.  Well you know me.  I’d strongly recommend that you read this story first.


Note:- The scene at the end of this story (THAT kind of scene) was written before I read Shayenne’s fabulous story ‘Show me How It Can Be’ and put me to shame.  The small similarities are not intended in any way.  I’ve re-read Shayenne’s story so many times now and can’t recommend it enough.




Chakotay woke first and slowly realized that they had both fallen into a deep sleep in each other’s arms.  He lay still for a long time, watching her sleeping face, drawing comfort from her soft breath on his face.  As if sensing his gaze, she slowly woke, her eyes opening, revealing the blue depths which had been hidden.  She smiled softly at him and stretched in his arms.

“What time is it…?”  He shook his head.

“I don’t know…”  He asked the computer for the time and was informed that it was 06.30.  “It’s still early and you’re not yet back on full duty.  Why don’t you go to bed and get some more sleep.  I have to be on duty but I’ll call by at lunchtime and see you…”  She nodded slowly.

“I think I will…”  She hesitated a moment.  “Chakotay… about…about my tattoo…”  He kissed the side of her head.

“We’ll talk about that later.  Just tell me that we can make this work…that you’ll let me into your life now…”  He watched her face carefully, afraid of her answer.  He let out the breath he’d been holding when she simply nodded her head.

“If you still want me…”  Her answer came in a crushing hug.

When Chakotay called by Kathryn's quarters at lunchtime, he found her still asleep and decided she needed the rest more than she did something to eat.  He left a message on a padd on her bedside table and quietly let himself out again. 

Kathryn awoke about 14.00 hours and stretched lazily.  She was surprised by how long she’d slept but her body quickly let her know how much she had needed the rest.  For the first time since she had regained consciousness, she felt almost human again.  She showered and dressed then requested from the computer, the location of Tuvok, Tom and B’Elanna.  Staying in her quarters only long enough to eat something light, she headed off to see her Security Officer, whom she knew was off duty, and spent the next hour and a half with him, trying to explain why she had knocked him out and attempting to ease his guilt.  In the end, she felt she had succeeded.  When she left him, she knew their friendship would be all right and that Tuvok had gained an acceptance and a peace he had been lacking.

Tom and B’Elanna were both still on duty but Kathryn made her way now to visit the other members of the original away team and by the end of the afternoon, had settled things with them.  She finally saw the affect her staying behind had had on them all, but she also got them to understand why she had acted as she had. 

Near the end of the shift, she cornered B’Elanna in Engineering and took her off duty a few minutes early.  She then spent the next half hour in the Engineer’s office, mending fences there.  Kathryn acknowledged the Klingon’s feelings and listened patiently as they were spread out before her in no uncertain terms.  Kathryn finally spoke and let her own feelings be known.  As with the others, closure was reached.

As Kathryn left Engineering, Chakotay contacted her and she promised she would meet him within an hour, quickly explaining that she had things to take care of and would talk to him later.  She then sought out Tom.

Tom found it easier to understand than the others had, but Kathryn still saw how everything had affected him.  She learned from the young pilot just how badly Chakotay had taken it all, Tom passing on things B’Elanna had told him but which the young woman had omitted to tell Kathryn when they had talked earlier.

Kathryn finally made her way back to her quarters, her energy level of earlier near rock bottom now.  As soon as the doors closed behind her, she sagged against the wall in the darkness and slid to the floor, giving her tears the release they badly needed. 

“Oh God…”  She closed her eyes and banged her head off the wall.  She brought her knees up and wrapped her arms around them.  “I’m sorry…all of you…but I had to do it… why couldn’t you understand…?”  A soft voice broke through her misery.

“We understood…but it still hurt like hell…”  Kathryn's eyes flew open to see Chakotay sitting on her sofa in the dark.  She shakily rose to her feet.

“I…I…didn’t see you…I was…I had to…”  Chakotay stood now and walked towards her.

“I know where you were and what you were doing.  I’m not scolding you Kathryn… I’m just trying to explain how badly affected we all were…how much pain we were in…”  Kathryn stared back at him.

“Especially you…?  I heard about…”  Chakotay actually blushed.

“B’Elanna…?”  Kathryn shook her head.

“Actually it was Tom but he meant no disrespect…  He just felt I should know and I’m glad I do…”  Chakotay turned away now.

“What difference does it make?”  Kathryn moved to him.

“It makes a lot of difference because it helps me understand what you went through…”  She reached out and gripped his arm gently.  “Chakotay…you said before that we needed to understand how we each felt…”  He turned back to her.

“I know I did and I do understand…it’s just letting go of the feelings from it all…”  He looked deep into her eyes.  “It’ll just take time…”  Kathryn nodded her understanding.  Slowly they made their way to the sofa and then sat talking for the next two hours.  By the end of that time, a lot had been resolved.

They sat close together, silent now but at peace with each other for the most part.  Kathryn stirred now and looked at him.

“Chakotay, I know this sounds crazy but did you thank Tam…that soldier…I can’t remember his name…I’m sorry about that…”  Chakotay nodded his head.

“Tamar and yes, I thanked him…thanked them all…”  He shook his head.  “I know you’d probably like to have spoken with them but we needed to move on…That was my decision…and they understood…We’d still be in communications range if we boosted the power output…”  Kathryn nodded.

“I’d like to speak with them…especially Tamar…perhaps the villagers who looked after me…”  Chakotay nodded his understanding.

“I’ll see what we can do…”  He stood up and looked down at her.  “I’ll let you know if it can be done… I’ll go now before we get any further away…”  Kathryn smiled and nodded.

Within half an hour, communication had been established with Solus and Kathryn managed to speak with Tamar over a slightly distorted link.  She passed messages on to Seena and the others who had cared for her so well, asking Tamar to record her message so they could hear it for themselves.  She ended by thanking them all again and wishing them all the best for their future.  When she finally closed the link, she felt more at peace with herself and knew from his face, that some of Tamar’s ghosts had been laid to rest also.

Kathryn returned to full duty three days later.  In that time, Chakotay had not mentioned Kathryn's tattoo again and she hadn’t brought the subject up either.  They shared their evenings over dinner and talked long into the night about everything but that one subject.  Finally, they both felt everything else had been dealt with, accepted and put away.  They both now knew only one matter remained.

As they sat quietly sipping coffee after dinner one night, Chakotay finally brought the subject up.

“Can you tell me…about your tattoo…?  Can we talk about this now…?”  Kathryn looked at him and nodded.

“I asked the Doc to do it…”  Chakotay nodded.

“He told me…nothing much but just that he’d done it…that you’d given him a holoimage to work from…”  Kathryn smiled at the memory.

“I think he was shocked…not in a bad way…more surprised…and I also think he was terrified…”  Chakotay smiled also.

“He was…”  He grew serious again.  “I wish…”  Kathryn reached over and laid her hand on his arm.

“So do I.”  She leaned over and put her cup down.  “I hope you don’t mind…that I got it… I mean…is it all right…?  I often felt guilty for having it…and knowing that you didn’t know…  It was like I’d stolen something from you…done this without your permission…”  His smile answered her and he shook his head.

“Kathryn…it honours me…”  He watched her carefully.  “Could I…?”  He hesitated.  “Could I see it…?”  She nodded and smiled shyly then turned her back to him, slipping her loose sweater off her shoulder.  She felt his fingers gently tracing over the area and shivered slightly at his touch.

“It’s beautiful…amazing…”  She heard the barely controlled tears in his voice and turned back to him, almost embarrassed as she slipped her sweater back up over her shoulder.

“I felt that I’d no right to it… that I was going behind your back…but it seemed the only way to have a part of you…”  He shook his head again.

“I just wish I’d known…before…”  Kathryn nodded sadly.

“When…when we looked at each other…that moment…before I…well you know…”  He barely nodded.  “So much had been left unsaid…and I knew in that moment that you still cared…still had feelings for me…  For a second I thought perhaps it was just deep friendship…but then I knew…I saw it all in your eyes…the depth of it all…and that was worse…”  She saw him frown slightly.

“Chakotay…it was harder than facing my death…”  Her eyes began to tear up and she blinked, seeing him trying to fight his own.  “I have regrets in my life…just like anyone…and they all flew across my mind in those moments…”  She sighed deeply.  “It was…I knew suddenly that…that I could live with the regrets for the things I had done…but it was…”  She shook her head.  “It was the regrets for…for the things…the things I hadn’t done that caused me the most pain…”  Chakotay covered her hand with one of his and tried a smile.

“I felt that too…  There was so much I hadn’t said…and no more time…”  He choked up and felt his throat closing off painfully. 

“That was how I felt…  I suddenly knew that I’d wasted all that time…I guess thinking there would always be time to say…or do…”  She swallowed deeply.  “In what I thought were the last moments of my life…”  She saw him bite his lip hard.  “In those moments…the deepest sadness came over me…not because I thought I was dying… I mean knowing I’d hopefully saved you all helped there…knowing that you’d get them home… but it was…the rest…my deepest sadness was because of what I’d lost…”  They just stared deeply at each other for a long time now, silently reading the depth of their feelings in each other’s eyes.  Finally Chakotay just pulled Kathryn into his arms and held her, rocking her gently until they both fell asleep, both at peace.

Chakotay awoke the next morning to find Kathryn studying him this time.  He yawned and smiled sleepily at her.

“We keep falling asleep on each other…”  She smiled back at him.

“I guess you just make me feel so safe and…safe and …loved…”  There was a faint touch of uncertainty in her eyes.  Chakotay reached up and stroked her cheek with his finger.

“That’s because you are…  and I feel that same way with you…”  They remained quiet for a few minutes, each studying the other.  Finally Kathryn spoke.

“I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to tell you how I feel…and I’m so sorry for wasting all that time…”  She never looked away for a second, then back.  “Chakotay…I love you…I so wish I’d said that to you before now…to your face…  I love you…I want to love you forever…make love to you…make love with you…share it all…”  She seemed slightly startled at the intensity of her own admission but her words broke a dam in him and he pulled her tightly to him.

“Oh God Kathryn…how long I’ve wanted to hear that…”  He pulled back and stared deeply into her eyes.  “I love you too…more than you’ll ever know…I want to love you for eternity…make love to you under the stars…worship you…touch you…feel you…”  He swallowed deeply, his voice cracking.  Kathryn managed a watery smile.

“If we didn’t have to be on duty…”  He managed a small smile of his own.

“Tonight…tonight will be ours…but there’s something… will you trust me with this…?  There’s something I want to arrange for this…something I need for us…  Will you let me do this…?”  Kathryn nodded slowly.

“Tonight…”  She looked embarrassed for a minute.  “How I’m going to get through this shift though…”  Chakotay laughed and kissed the tip of her nose.

“Think how much harder it’ll be for me…”  He shook his head and laughed again.  “Guess I should have phrased that better…”  Kathryn laughed now, a flush coming to her face.

“We’re like a couple of High School kids…”  Chakotay nodded his head.

“I suppose we are.  I just want our first time to be special beyond anything.  I want it to be something we remember in our old age…”

Kathryn fidgeted her way through her shift, drawing more of Tom’s attention than she wanted to.  Whenever he was on the bridge, Chakotay repeatedly gave her knowing little smiles that didn’t help her either.  Earlier, he had requested and been granted an extra long lunch break, Kathryn knowing he was arranging whatever his ‘surprise’ was.  Never the most patient person, Kathryn was almost clawing at the bulkheads by the time her shift ended, much to Tom’s amusement and Tuvok’s confusion.

Kathryn hurried back to her quarters, knowing she only had an hour before Chakotay called for her.  She promised herself half of that time to soak in the tub and lay back in the scented water, fighting the impulse to touch herself in response to the thoughts which raced through her head as she imagined the night ahead.  For a moment, it saddened her to remember how for so long, the only loving touch her body had known had been her own.  She was determined though, to ‘save herself’ for Chakotay now, knowing the release when it came would be so much sweeter for it.  She felt almost shy with herself at her own thoughts and uncertain also, hoping that she would be able to please him, that she wouldn’t disappoint him.  Wanting him took over though, and she pushed these thoughts away now.

Eagerly pulling herself from the water for once, she hurriedly dried herself and combed out her hair.  She dressed carefully in a knee length lilac silk dress, adding the barest touch of make-up and perfume, before pinning her hair back, just at the sides.  With only minutes to spare, she stood back and inspected herself in the bedroom mirror and nodded her head in approval.  The door chime broke into her thoughts and she hurried to open the door.

Chakotay just stood in the open doorway for several minutes and stared, ignoring any passing crewmembers, much to Kathryn's amusement.  She found she suddenly didn’t mind their knowing looks and knew that within the hour, news of this would have passed through the entire ship.  Chakotay suddenly came out of it and realized that he’d blown their little secret.  His eyes flew to hers in apology but he saw immediately that she was more than comfortable with the situation.  He slowly entered her quarters and smiled shyly.

“Sorry about that…I guess they’ll all know now…  Are you all right with that?”  Kathryn returned his smile and nodded.

“I’ve suddenly realized that I don’t mind in the slightest…  I guess I want them to know.”  Her face grew serious now.  “Chakotay…I’m proud of what I feel for you and I don’t care who knows it, even though it’s taken me long enough to come to this point.  I’ve too much shame and guilt for keeping it from you for so long.  I don’t want that anymore…”  Chakotay swallowed and moved to her, taking her gently into his arms.

“Let that shame and guilt go Kathryn.  Concentrate of what we have now and where we go from here.  Nothing else matters…”  She nodded her answer and buried her face in his chest.  He barely heard her words.

“I love you so much…”  He smiled to himself.

“I love you too sweetheart…for now and for always…”  They swayed together for a few minutes and then Chakotay pulled back.

“Come on…dinner is waiting…”  He smiled at her puzzlement.  “All will be revealed as it happens…”  She would get no more out of him for the moment.

Chakotay led Kathryn to the holodeck, which he had reserved for the entire night. Knowing crewmembers, having suspected something earlier in the day when they saw him checking the rota, had within minutes, suddenly had other arrangements and cancelled their holodeck time for that evening.  Chakotay had smiled his thanks to them, no words needed from either party.  

Kathryn gasped when she saw the setting he had programmed in.  All around her were trees, their leaves rustling gently in a warm evening breeze.  A large lake stretched out before her, water lilies and floating candles bobbing gently on the surface.  The sky glowed in an array of colours, sunset fixed in time for them.  Chakotay took her hand and led her over to a table and chairs she hadn’t noticed, their meal already laid out and champagne on ice beside it.

“Oh Chakotay…it’s all so perfect…I couldn’t have wished for…”  Her eyes filled with tears as she shook her head in wonder at it all.  Chakotay raised his hand and gently traced a few stray tears with his finger.

“Only the best for my love…”  Not wanting her to break down completely, he pulled her gently over to the table.  “Dinner is served Madam…  Your table awaits…”

They spent a leisurely hour or more over their meal.  Chakotay had opted for more simple fare, roast fowl and vegetables, finished off with coffee ice-cream, just because he knew it was her favourite.  They danced slowly to soft music and eventually sat on the grass at the water’s edge, sipping their drinks and watching the end of the sunset, which Chakotay had ordered the computer to advance now. 

As darkness fell around them, the air filled with the sweet smells of summer flowering stocks and the gentle noise of crickets.  Chakotay watched Kathryn's face for several minutes, lit only by the stars and the candle light all around them, framing the image in his mind of the contented look he saw there.  This was Kathryn at peace with her world and in love.  He prayed silently to himself that tonight would be only the beginning of that look, that it would continue for the rest of her days and his.

Sensing his stare, she turned now and met his eyes.  She smiled softly and reached for his hand, softly stroking the back of it with her thumb.

“Thank you for all this…  I’ll never forget tonight…”  He smiled and nodded at her, turning his hand to squeeze hers.  “How did you manage to get the holodeck for so long?”  Chakotay shook his head and told her about earlier in the day.  Kathryn laughed.

“So they knew already…?”  Chakotay shrugged his shoulders.

“I get the feeling that if they didn’t, they copped on pretty quickly.  Are you sure you’re OK with them all knowing…?”  Kathryn returned the squeeze on his hand.

“I’m more than sure.  I feel like running out there and telling them all for good measure…just in case someone hasn’t heard yet…”  She laughed again now.  “I wonder if Tom’s enjoying his winnings…?”  Chakotay’s face dropped.

“You…you know…about that…?”  Kathryn laughed harder now.

“Chakotay… without worrying you…there’s nothing on this ship I don’t know about…well eventually… and Tom’s betting pool has been going on for some time.  I wish I’d thought to try my own luck now…but I guess that would be cheating…”  Chakotay just stared back at her in amazement.

“Kathryn Janeway, you never cease to amaze me…  I was sure they’d managed to keep that secret from you.  I even warned Tom on many occasions…”  He laughed with her.  “Guess I wasted my time…”  Kathryn smiled and shook her head.

“Thanks for thinking of me anyway….”  She smiled softly and looked down at their joined hands, watching her fingers trace over his knuckles.  He sat up, took their glasses and placed them on the grass then placed his other hand over their joined hands and softly stroked the back of her hand now.  She smiled and added her other hand, joining them.  They looked up at each other at the same moment and stared deeply into each other’s eyes.  There were no words, just silent, unspoken love between them.  Chakotay gently pulled one of his hands loose and brought it to Kathryn's face, his fingertips trailing softly down her cheek.  His touch was almost electric to Kathryn and she gasped.  Chakotay stopped immediately, unsure for a moment until she smiled.

“Your touch…it’s…I’d forgotten…”  She was suddenly aware of her breathing changing and saw that he heard it also.  He moved his hand and cupped her cheek, delighting in her response when she leaned her head to the side and into his hand.  Answering his unasked question, she stared deeply into his eyes and nodded, as if giving her permission for the rest of their life to commence.

Chakotay moved his hand and just stared at her for a moment longer.  He drank in the sight of her, determined to commit this moment to his memory for all time.  Tearing his eyes away for a moment, he gazed up at the stars above them.

“I need to tell you about this…”  He looked back at her.  “I need to tell you about these stars…”  She barely nodded, knowing to remain silent and let him speak.

“Two days after…when I believed you were…”  He choked up on the words and took a moment, swallowing deeply.  “When I thought I’d lost you…”  He openly and honestly told her about standing in her ready room, staring out at the stars and what they had meant to him as a child.  He told her of his feelings that day and since, baring his very soul to her.  By the time he had finished speaking, tears ran down his face and he let them, ashamed of nothing where his feelings for this woman were concerned.  He searched her face and saw his own sadness reflected there, his own tears but drowning it all out, was her love for him.

“Kathryn…can you understand why I wanted our first time to be here…under these same stars…?”  She nodded, not trusting herself to speak and raised her hand to his face, gently stroking a finger across his lips.  “And they’re real…not a holoimage…these stars are reflected from outside… they’re that important to me…”  Kathryn shook her head in amazement at the trouble he had gone to for her.

“I understand…and I love you so much for it…  Thank you for loving me so much…”  Chakotay shook his head.

“I could never not love you Kathryn.  You’re the essence I breathe in every day, the substance of my soul…the reason for my being… I love everything about you and although that can cause me a lot of pain…”  He saw a brief hurt cross her eyes.  “Kathryn…I’m torn on this…  To know that you would sacrifice your life for us all…it pains me…tears me apart…that you would leave me…and yet…it’s who you are and why I love you…a part of who you are…God…am I making any sense here…?”  She smiled and nodded.

“And you’d have done the same…”  She paused and drew in a deep breath.  “Chakotay… it’s over…dwelling on it will only cause us more pain…  I want to put all this behind us now and live…  I want to live and love you…nothing else…”  He knew she was right and fought his pain down, letting his love for this woman drown it out.  Instead of speaking anymore, he moved his face a little closer to hers and to his delight, she moved towards his, until there was almost nothing between them, except the feel of each other’s breath.  Slowly, gently, he brushed his lips to hers, then pressed a little more firmly.  He felt a surge of joy and love rush through him as Kathryn responded and he heard a groan come from her throat.

Chakotay’s hand snaked around the back of Kathryn's head, his fingers weaving through her soft hair.  He pulled back a moment and undid the clips in her hair, brushing it out with his fingers until it fell softly around her face, framing it.  His eyes drank in her beauty until, unable to resist her lips any longer, he leaned in for more.

Kathryn reached out for him and pulled him closer to her, their lips pressed tightly together now, mouths opening under the gentle pressure as they both fell backwards onto the grass, still holding tightly to each other.  Chakotay’s hand now slid down Kathryn's back, holding her to him as he felt her hands stroke up and down his own back, learning the feel of him.  Slowly and gently he eased her backwards until she was lying beneath him, his hand now coming round to stroke the underside of her breast.  Kathryn moaned softly as his hand covered the soft mound, his fingertips seeking her nipple, already peaked. 

His lips left hers now, the air cooling them and instantly she missed his warmth.  It was quickly replaced though, by their heat trailing down her neck and around her ears.  Kathryn bit down on her lip as his mouth teased her skin, his fingers now seeking the opening of her dress.  He then leaned up and undid the small fasteners there, exposing her chest to his eyes inch by inch, his eyes showing his appreciation for the beauty they now witnessed.  Kathryn felt herself blushing under his study and fought to hold herself still as he opened the front catch of her bra, then gasped as he peeled it away to reveal her breasts to his eyes.

“Oh sweet God Kathryn… I never could have believed…”  He looked up into her eyes and frowned when he saw her worried look.  “Sweetheart…what’s the matter…?”  Kathryn bit her lip.

“I’m sorry…I’m not too…well…I’m not exactly…big or…”  Chakotay shook his head.

“Kathryn…you’re beautiful…I never could have believed the beauty you were hiding…”  He smiled when he saw the look of disbelief on her face.  “Kathryn honey…you’re so beautiful…never believe anything else…I’d never lie to you…”  Suddenly he dropped his head and took one nipple into his mouth, suckling hungrily.  Kathryn gasped out loud, the warmth of his mouth and the sensation of his suckling, causing a rush of pleasure through her.  Subconsciously, she found herself arching her back, pushing her breast further into his mouth, as his other hand sought her other breast, his fingers teasing the nipple there. 

Kathryn lay in a daze of arousal and pleasure as Chakotay worked over her breasts.  Her hands gripped at the grass beneath her, her body incapable of functioning beyond accepting the pleasure he gave her.  She groaned as his mouth and hands eventually left her breasts and worked their way downwards.  Her desire built, surging through her as her hands stroked over his back and shoulders now.  She bit her lip to keep from crying out as his mouth moved agonisingly slowly down her body.

And then he was lifting her skirt, sliding her panties off and spreading her, the cool evening air making contact with her most private of places, arousing her further.  She raised her head slightly as she saw his head move lower and tried to draw her legs closed but he wasn’t allowing it.

“Let me look at you Kathryn… you’re so unbelievably beautiful…”  His words caused her breathing to quicken and she bit off another moan as he gently pushed her legs open a little further.  His mouth then descended on her and she cried out.

“What…what…are you…?  Oh God…”  Sensations rushed through her and Kathryn was suddenly mortified as Chakotay looked up at her.

“Sweetheart…what is it…?  Did I hurt you…?”  He looked worried now.  Kathryn knew her face was bright red and looked away quickly.

“No…I just…I never felt…I’ve never…”  She slowly looked back at him, her deep embarrassment showing.

“Hasn’t anyone ever…”  She shook her head quickly.

“Not like that…with…”  Chakotay leaned up and smiled at her.

“If you’d really rather I didn’t… but Kathryn…I want to love you completely…give you all the pleasure I can… I’d never hurt you…you know that…”  Kathryn dropped her eyes.

“I know…I’m sorry…I’m just… I’ve never spoken about…especially during…and never…no one ever saw… I mean it was…always in the dark…never… I’m sorry…I’m not very experienced…”  He saw how uncomfortable she was and pulled away a moment to lie beside her.

“Kathryn…I’ll only ever do what you’re comfortable with.  However, I want you to just be yourself.  Scream and cry out….moan and groan…whatever you want… I also want to see you…all of you…”  He was amazed to see her blush deeply at his words.

“Kathryn, listen to me… without sounding egotistical…I got the impression that I was giving you pleasure and that you wanted to…I don’t know…verbally express that…  Am I right?”  Kathryn nodded slowly.

“I’m sorry…I’ve just never… I’ve always been afraid to…felt it wasn’t right…that it would be thought badly of…”  Chakotay shook his head sadly.

“Honey…listen to me now.  When we make love to each other…as we’re doing now…  Please Kathryn…let go for me…  Tell me what you like and don’t like…what feels good…”  He was amazed at the look of fright on her face.  “Kathryn…there’s nothing wrong with that.  I’m not going to think anything bad about you…  I want you to let go…release yourself to me…scream or cry…moan…groan…do whatever you feel…  Please don’t ever hold anything back from me…  Show me it all…show me you…  There’s nothing we can’t share between us…  If there’s something you truly don’t like…just tell me… but it’s vital that we talk to each other…share it all…  There shouldn’t ever be anything untouchable or undoable between us…unless it hurts or upsets one of us…then it’s not all right…and by hurt I mean physically or emotionally…  This is between us only…our private world… I want to give you it all…share our souls…”  Kathryn just burst into tears at his words and he cradled her in his arms.

“Oh Chakotay…I want to be that way with you…  I’ve never allowed myself to open up to anyone the way I want to with you…  I was just so sure you’d find it…find me…well…cheap or not right I guess…that’s the only way I can say it… I want to let go completely…be me totally…”  He kissed her softly.

“Then do it love… what went before is nothing…  let go and give yourself to me completely… it will be the greatest honour of my life… the greatest gift you could ever give me… never be embarrassed with me… I love you and respect you beyond words…”  He looked deeply into her eyes and saw that she accepted his words and he smiled.  “May I continue…?”  She nodded eagerly.

Chakotay removed her dress and turned her slightly, his fingers and lips tracing over her tattoo for a moment.  He then lay her down and slipped his own clothes off, before he moved back to her breasts, almost starting over.  He moved up and kissed her deeply again, before his lips trailed their way back to her breasts.  As her arousal and desire climbed again, Kathryn finally let go and moaned loudly, her body responding in ways she had never allowed it to before.  She writhed beneath him as his hands and mouth continued to torture her.

This time when Chakotay moved lower and spread her legs, she lay back and welcomed his gaze.  She felt him stroke her softly, as a deep sensation started in the pit of her stomach and she allowed it, her breathing getting heavier by the second.

When he lowered his mouth over her hot and aching centre this time, she screamed out, her hips bucking, causing him to hold her down gently.  She cried out continuously, as his lips and tongue worked over her, his teeth delicately nipping at her, his fingers questing now and seeking entrance to her body.  She shrieked when he pressed two fingers deeply into her, tears falling from her eyes with the pleasure he gave her.

“Ohhhh Godddd…Chakotay…ohhhh yessss…”  She felt shock slam into her at her own response but her body was in control now, her mind a helpless passenger on this ride of pleasure.  “Ohhh sweet God…oh Chakotay…”  He sucked hard on her small bundle of nerves, three fingers now pushing in and out of her and then it came, slamming into her senses like a freight train and she screamed out at the top of her lungs as her world shattered around her.

Before she had time to come down, her mind feeling adrift from her body, his fingers and mouth were already bringing her back, building the sensations and pleasure again, bringing her higher and higher, before dropping her back over the edge, his name tearing from her lips as she bucked against him, almost in pain with the orgasm that ripped through her.

When she finally came back to herself, she was suddenly aware of Chakotay leaning on one elbow beside her,  staring down at her with a smile on his face.

“Thank you so much love…thank you for giving me yourself like that…”  She managed to smile, the edge of her shattering orgasms still with her.

“Oh God Chakotay…never…never have I known that…it was…”  She was still panting, all coherent thought fleeing from her.  He smiled softly at her, his eyes telling her he understood, telling her how she pleased him and how much he loved her. 

Kathryn finally managed to roll onto her side, determined now to return the favour.  For the first time in her life, she felt she could explore her lover as she wanted to.  It also registered with her, that never before had she had a lover she wanted to give this much pleasure to.  All shyness and reserve gone from her now, something awakened inside her as she smiled wickedly and pushed Chakotay onto his back.  It was now his turn to moan and cry out as Kathryn let go once more, kissing and licking her way over his body, her hands learning the feel of every inch of him.  She worked her way to the proud, erect specimen awaiting her attention and went in for the kill.

Chakotay groaned repeatedly as Kathryn used her mouth and hands on him, her tongue teasing up and down his hard shaft, her teeth occasionally nibbling at him.  Her nails scraped over his scrotum, feeling it tighten in response.  Daringly, she pressed a finger against his anus and was rewarded with a loud cry of pleasure from the man beneath her. 

Chakotay knew he couldn’t take anymore, not without exploding in her mouth and he knew he didn’t want that for their first time together.  He also knew he desperately wanted to be inside Kathryn, to feel her warmth close around him.

“Kathryn…I can’t take anymore….please love…I’m only human…”  She raised her head and smiled at him, licking her lips for good measure, drawing another deep moan from her lover.  “Oh God Kathryn…you are the sexiest woman…a total vixen…  If I’d known what you were like…you’d have been across your desk years ago…”  They both began breathing more heavily as the image filled their minds.  Kathryn felt more daring and alive than she ever had.

“On my back or face down…”  She shocked herself for a moment and then let it go.  She knew now she was safe with this man, that suddenly Kathryn, the real Kathryn who was meant to me, was finally alive and living life for all it was worth.

“Oh I think face down…and if you’re a good girl…I’ll let you find out…”  Kathryn felt a rush of pleasure between her legs and marvelled at it.  She fell back just as Chakotay rolled over her and stared deeply into his eyes.

“I want you…need to feel you…please…”  Chakotay smiled and positioned himself over her, Kathryn unashamedly spreading her legs around him.

“How Kathryn…tell me…say it all…?”  Kathryn was panting again.

“Please Chakotay…take me…fill me…hard…”  Her words, hearing them in her seductive whisper, was almost too much for him.  Without thinking, he pressed against her and slammed himself home.  He felt her stiffen against him as she clung onto him and heard her quiet hiss of pain.  He stopped immediately.

“Oh God love…I’m sorry…I didn’t think…”  She smiled softly at him.

“I didn’t either…it’s OK…just give me a second…”  Chakotay went to pull himself from her but she held him tightly to her, keeping him inside her.

“No…please don’t…stay with me…I want you so badly…”  Feeling herself adjust to him, she began to thrust against him, telling him she was ready.  He slowly and gently began to move within her, feeling it go easier now.  Kathryn moaned deeply, the momentary stinging now replaced by a deep pleasure and once again, she felt the onset of orgasm, shocking her completely.  Her eyes opened wide and met Chakotay’s smile, and she saw that he knew what was happening.

“Ohhh Godddd…ohhhh…Chakotay….I don’t….”  He moved faster now, one hand reaching down and drawing her leg up around him, deepening his penetration.

“It’s all right love…I know…just let it come…let it happen…”  He saw that she appeared slightly frightened for a moment.

“It’s never…I’ve never…how can…?”  He leaned down a moment and kissed her.

“Let it happen Kathryn…let the pleasure come and take you over…just go with it…”  He smiled to himself as she threw her head back and he increased his pace, his body taking over control now, no matter how hard he fought it.  Suddenly he felt her start to tighten around him and she met his eyes again, a look of total shock on her face.  She held his eyes for only a second more before her entire body arched beneath him and she screamed out, her inner muscles clamping down almost painfully on his thick member, milking him and drawing a soul rending release from him.  He screamed out her name, his voice drowning out hers as he exploded inside her, his fluid filling her deeply. 

Time lost meaning as they lay together for a long time afterwards.  Chakotay came back to reality as Kathryn stirred in his arms, snuggling against him.  He eased back a little and smiled down at her, the look of total bliss on her face, taking his breath away.

“Are you all right?  I’m so sorry for hurting you…”  She saw his worry and reached up and stroked his face.

“It was only a moment…and I’m fine…  Chakotay….”  She held his eyes.  “Chakotay…thank you…thank you for showing me that…showing me that it’s all right to be me…for loving me…for allowing me to love you…and I do…I love you with everything that I am…forever…”  She saw his eyes fill with tears, matching her own as he leaned in and kissed her deeply.

“Thank you for giving me yourself…all of you… for loving me and making my life complete… Kathryn…I love you too…and I always will…”  He pulled her tightly against him.

Quietly, they fell asleep under the stars, the same stars which only a short time ago had witnessed such pain and horror.  Now they looked down and smiled on the couple below them, sprinkling their light across the scene of love and happiness they were privy to.  They twinkled, almost in salute to the quiet and peaceful pair they watched over, their soft light covering them in a blanket of love, keeping them safe until morning.