Disclaimer:  Paramount owns all things Star Trek Voyager.  I don’t.  Only borrowing                 

                     them. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Rating:          NC17.

Summary:     Voyager returns home and Chakotay hopes that at last he and Kathryn

                      can have a life together but before he gets that chance, she disappears     

                      from his life, leaving without a trace.  Chakotay finally discovers her

                      terrible secret and searches desperately for her but can he find her before

                      it’s too late.





“I truly believe the Gods are watching over us all.  When I arrived back here, Tom was waiting anxiously.

“Chakotay, Peter Sanders is here.  You remember him…he was on Tuvok’s security team?”  I nod and hurry into the house.  “He has news…”  I look at Voyager’s pilot and tell him my own news.  I watch the amazement on his face and then the big smile that replaces it.  “Wait until you hear this then…”

Peter Sanders stands quickly and I motion for him to sit, telling him I’m not his First Officer any more.  He smiles shyly and at a nod from Tom, he tells me his story.

“My cousin…  anyway… I only just managed to get up to see him…despite my promises…”  He realizes he’s wandering a little and smiles again.  “Sorry… well I got up to see him yesterday and we sat talking and catching up half the night and I showed him all the holoimages I had from Voyager, mostly myself and my friends…away missions…”  He stops and draws in a deep breath.

“I finally showed him one of us all, taken at Tom and B’Elanna’s wedding and he stared at it for ages…  finally he pointed to someone and told me it was his ‘sleeping beauty’…”  I frown at this and look at both men but Tom just holds up his hand, telling me to be patient.

“My cousin explained that he recognized the Captain… or at least he thought it was her…”  Peter rubs a hand over his face.  “It seems there’s this woman on the property next to his…been there some weeks…always on her own…never leaves…a recluse if you like.  Anyway, he spotted her one day when he was bird watching, which he does a lot when he’s working the land…  He said she always looks sad, although he’s only ever seen her from a distance though his field glasses…and she sleeps a lot…hence the name…  He’s started to leave things for her…food…stuff like that…but he stays away…said he knows she wants to be left alone… but he was sure it was her…”  Tom meets my eyes, his grin a mile wide.

“Chakotay…it has to be…”  I smile and nod my head then take the map Mark has given me and spread it in front of Peter. 

“Does your cousin live here?”  Peter studies the map and his face takes on a shocked expression when he looks up.

“How did you know…?”  I just smile. 

“Mark Johnston told me about this place…used to belong to her uncle…”  Tom interrupts.

“Chakotay, the Doc was here just before you got back…  He not only has a cure now but a vaccination against this…”  I stand quickly.

“Get him here now…”  Tom is already moving.

The Doctor quietly explains to me as he presses a hypo to my neck about the cure he has found.

“Commander, I need you to understand about this because I don’t want your hopes raised too much…”  He sees my worried look and quickly explains.  “Mark Crowe recovered quickly because this disease wasn’t as advanced with him, however, with the Captain it will be at a far more advanced stage…”  I nod my understanding but at this moment in time, I can’t think in that manner, only that I will find her and get her back.  Nothing else can occupy my mind at this moment.

Peter takes me to his cousin’s place first and I watch from the far field where he points me, telling me where to look through the field glasses and my heart almost stops.  I see her in front of the house, lying asleep on a reclining chair and I know immediately it is her, would know her anywhere.  Even from this distance though, I can see the weight she has lost and suddenly an urgency comes over me and I quickly thank Peter and his cousin and set off across the field.  We have our commbadges and Peter knows to organize the beam out as soon as he hears from me.

I slowly approach her and watch her sleeping form.  As I sit down beside her, I gently press a finger to her throat and feel a weak pulse there, my relief washing over me.  Up close now I see how thin and pale she is, how ill she looks and I want to cry. 

She stirs slightly, feeling my touch or from some image disturbing her mind, invading a dream and I hear my name whispered past her lips, perhaps calling to my ghost in her dream and now I get an answer to one of my questions.  I still inhabit her world just as she does mine.  Slowly as if sensing my presence, she wakens and I see her eyes slowly open as she looks around lazily, traces of the images her mind held a moment ago still in the blue depths I love so much but then I see her face fall, as reality presents itself and the dream is exposed as the fraud.

I softly speak her name and for a moment she smiles sadly, perhaps believing my voice is a vestige of her dream or a stray memory, simply her imagination, perhaps even the wind.  Her eyes fail to focus properly and her hand searches beside her for her wrap as she stares off at nothing and I feel a fear in me as I realize her sight is affected.  Once more I speak her name and reach a hand out to touch her arm gently.  This time she knows it’s no dream and a sudden panic crosses her face as she jumps up, stumbling over her own feet before catching her balance.  She looks towards me and squints slightly at where she sees my shape.  I see a mix of fear and pain cross her delicate features and stand slowly.

“Kathryn please, it’s all right…”  She backs off further, inching her way towards the small shack.

“No…no…you can’t…you have to leave me…please Chakotay…”  I see her hand outstretched, a feeble attempt to keep me back.  Tears pour from her eyes and she steps back into the rail of the porch, nowhere left to go now.  I shake my head as I watch her and think of all the many Kathryns I have known over the years and I line all these different women up in my head, none of them existing outside of the other, each with their strengths and weaknesses but this woman before me, I don’t recognize at all.

“Kathryn, listen to me now, please just listen.  I know everything.  Doc has a cure now, cured Mark even.  I’m in no danger…”  She slides along the rail, in a state of turmoil I had never thought to see her in.

“Stella…?”  Her voice is weak and I move closer as she tries to get away from me.

“Stella committed suicide…”  I hate telling her this but she needs to know.  I see my words reach her but I know they mean little to her.  “Kathryn please, you have to come back with me.  The Doc can…”  She has reached the end of the rail and tries to find something to lean against.

“I’ll harm you…please go…”  I move to her again, determined to get her to understand.  My hands come down on her shoulders and she struggles weakly against my hold.

“Kathryn please…you can’t harm me…”  Her struggle stops and she falls against me and I thank God that she has heard me and understood but then I feel her slide down me and realize that the end of her struggle wasn’t her accepting my words but her body surrendering. 

“Kathryn…?”  I’m now the one in the panic and I slap my commbadge and shout to  Peter to get us transported now.  I pick her limp form up in my arms, her low weight shocking me and feel the tingle of the beam take us.”


“My dreams are the only place I want to be now, the only place where I can be happy.  It is only there I can be with him, where I can hold him and tell him what I feel but always they fade and I have to leave him behind once more.  They can be so real, these dreams, that I want to cry when I leave them. 

I imagine I hear him whisper my name, a soft sound that comes to me on the wind of my imaginings and despite the deep sadness I feel, I smile.  I’m cold now and reach to find my wrap, unable to see where I left it.  These last few days, my sight has gotten far worse but my acceptance of this has amazed me as I realized that Chakotay’s face is the only thing I would want to see anymore and I can still see that in my mind and heart, kept safe there.

I hear my name again, his voice and then a touch on my arm and I know immediately that he has found me.  I should have known he wouldn’t give up but I can’t let him near me, can’t bring this disease to him.  I jump up but my feet are unsteady and I struggle to keep my balance.  I hear him speak to me and I can barely make him out as he stands before me.

I have to get away from him but my body refuses any orders I give it.  My thoughts jumble together but I’m aware enough to know that can’t let him close to me, that I’m dangerous to him.  I think I tell him to leave but I’m uncertain.  Suddenly I can’t go any further and I realize I’m backed up against the rail.

I hear his words but they make little sense to me.  Something about the Doc having a cure and Mark being all right.  I can’t think straight.  I know Stella is dead, I saw it…  Did I say her name?  Suicide?  No, that can’t be right.  I have to get away. 

My hand suddenly connects with open space and I know I’ve nowhere to go now.  I feel his hands on me and I know only one thing.  I can’t infect him, can’t let him touch me… I hear him tell me I can’t harm him.  Doesn’t he know I can kill him?  I struggle to get away but I feel the little strength I have abandon me and then I’m falling and complete darkness comes down on me.  I feel his arms around me, hear him speak my name and a comfort so strong washes over me just as I let go.”


“‘Sit with her, talk to her, it’s all you can do’.  The Doctor’s words ring in my head repeatedly.  It’s the only thing I can do and I feel so helpless because of that.  I want to have the power that will make her wake and talk to me, bring her back to how she was before this disease took her in its grasp but instead I sit here useless and pray. 

It’s the second day here but I only know that because someone told me.  Time has lost meaning for me.  There are only the times I’m with her and the times when I’m not, which are rare. 

Yesterday, Peter beamed us both here and had alerted the Doctor for us.  I remember standing in a room as Kathryn was taken from my arms by strangers and placed on a biobed as they rushed around her, shouting orders to each other in recognized words which had no meaning for me.  Finally of course, they pushed me outside and the agonizing wait started.  The Doctor came to me after many hours, time in which the light had fled the sky and been replaced by the stars which she loves so much.  I remember nodding at his words, hunting through them for the ones I wanted to hear most, that she would come back to me, would recover from this enemy which held her in its clutches but they weren’t there.  Instead he spoke of flooding her body with the serum they had manufactured, with antibiotics and other drugs and he told me, I know for my benefit, of the hope he had that this treatment would be successful but I know a lie when I hear one, even a well meaning one.

I sit here now and do the only thing I can, that which I have wanted to do so badly over the last months, that which I have rarely done.  I hold her hand and whisper softly to her, tell her how much I love her and miss her, how she has to fight this and still I pray.

“Come on Kathryn, you went through all that struggle to get home.  Now you’re here, you have to fight to stay.  Fight for it Kathryn.”  I squeeze her hand tighter.  “You worked so hard for this, sacrificed so much.  You deserve this honey, but you have to take it.  Fight for it and take it.  Take what you’ve earned because you paid a very high price for this.”  My emotions change to anger, that which I have held in abeyance for so long.

“Damn it Kathryn, fight this.  You owe me and you owe yourself.  You promised to get us home and that means getting you and me home too.  I need you…”   I feel guilty immediately for speaking to her so harshly and I almost expect her to sit up and shout back at me but that doesn’t happen.  Instead she lies here, still and pale, a battle taking place inside her, as the drugs fight against the disease which rages through her small body.  I know the struggle is desperate and I stroke her face, talking to her continuously as I tell her to fight, and I feel the heat from her skin as fever consumes her now.  I spend hours sponging her face and body with cool water, trying to bring down the dangerously high temperature she has.  The Doctor is with her almost constantly, monitoring her and scanning her, and each time I search his face for any trace of hope, any sign that it is turning our way but each time, his expression stays the same and my heart sinks a little further.  I console myself with the knowledge that she is a fighter but it is little comfort to me as I see her condition worsen.

A small sound invades my restless dozing and I’m instantly awake.  I feel Kathryn’s small hand move in mine and for a moment, hope surges through me that she is coming back to me but as I look to her face, I see a new struggle there, as delirium takes hold and abuses her already battered body.  The Doctor is with us in seconds and together over the next hour, we fight for the woman before us as she thrashes about and cries out, sweat pouring from her as her body arches and spasms.  I know she is in desperate pain and I feel so useless and know our Doctor feels it to, believes he should have the skill to take all this away and there is actually room in me for a moment to pity him.

She hurts herself now as seizures and convulsions take over and I cry as I watch her claw at herself and throw herself around.  It breaks my heart as I help the Doctor restrain her, binding her wrists and ankles to the bed but I know we have no choice.  Finally, the medications take effect and she quietens, small moans escaping her lips, her eyes barely open, glazed and unseeing.

I hear the Doctor tell me that he hopes this is the breaking point, possibly a turning in her condition, that the next few hours will tell.  Once more, all I can do is sit and speak to her, hoping my voice will guide her back along the dark corridors of pain she is travelling somewhere, that it will lead her back to the light and to me.”


“It’s so dark and all I know is pain.  I’m somewhere I don’t know and it’s so confusing but one thing is constant.  I hear Chakotay’s voice but I can’t find him and I turn in circles and search but each path is as dark as the other and I keep losing my way. 

Pain surrounds me and I feel something crawl all over me and I can’t stop it.  I feel myself struggle against it and heat consumes me then cool and then the heat again, burning me, scalding my body.

I hear his voice again and suddenly I can’t move and I struggle against what holds me but I can’t get free and yet it anchors me where I am and his voice is a little clearer.  I turn and try once more to find him, find a way out from this hell.”



“I dare to hope now that we have turned a corner.  She’s quieter now, breathing a little easier and her temperature continues to fall, even though it is slow as her fever breaks.  I still bathe her in cool water and somehow it calms her just as my voice seems to sooth her in some way.  She occasionally murmurs something I can’t understand and then I stroke her hair and face, praying my words will guide and comfort her and lead her home again.

Four days I’ve sat here now and tended her and I’m exhausted but never once do I consider stopping.  I’ll never abandon this woman and now I can see her fight her way back to me.  Her temperature is almost back to normal thank God and her body is relaxed once again, free of the spasms and seizures which gripped her before.  For the first time now, I see hope on the face of our Doctor as he sees himself start to win this battle and begins to lower the doses he administers.  Finally, there is light at the end of the tunnel and we see it.” 



“I still hear his voice as I try and follow it and somehow I imagine I feel his hand holding mine.  I don’t know where I am but the pain I felt has left and my mind feels clearer.  I imagine I see a faint light ahead of me and I fight my way towards it, almost as if I’m swimming against a current that yields before me.  I feel myself almost float upwards and suddenly the light is brighter and the hand holding me tightens as I pull at it, a buoy in this sea of darkness as I fight my way to the surface.”



“Did I imagine that or wish it?  Her hand tightened on mine, I’m sure.  I call to the Doc as I watch Kathryn’s face closely, barely breathing as I look for any sign that she is coming back to me and there suddenly, I see her eyes move beneath her eyelids and again her hand grips at mine.

“Kathryn…follow my voice…fight your way back…Kathryn…come on…”  A faint groan escapes her lips and I look up briefly to see the Doc scanning her, a slow smile spreading across his face.  I continue calling to her, tightening my own grip on her hand, shaking it now, anything to stimulate her and pull her back.  “Kathryn…come to me…follow my voice…come on…fight this….Kathryn…”  I watch, barely breathing at all, as her eyelids flutter open and I see the struggle she has with this small action.  “Kathryn…”  I gently tap her face and slowly she wins and opens her eyes.  I want to cry and in the end do, as I watch her eyes scan around her and finally settle on mine.  I blink back my tears and see that her eyes are awash with unshed tears of her own.  All of a sudden I see her remember and a deep fear takes over her features as she tries weakly to pull her hand from mine and I know where this fear stems from so I quickly speak to allay it.

“Kathryn…you’re cured…you can’t infect anyone…”  I speak slowly and strongly, determined that she understand what I say but unable to believe my words, her eyes search out the Doctor who simply nods and confirms what she needs to hear.

I stand back now and let the Doctor take over, giving her a full work over, making sure she is completely clear of the enemy which so nearly stole her from us all.  I hear him quietly confirm what she obviously still finds impossible to believe and I lean back against the wall and feel a weight lift off me, the fear and pain which has surrounded me for so long but in it’s place, a dreadful fatigue covers me and an outpouring of such emotion, which I never thought could possibly be housed inside one person.  I sense rather than feel myself slide down the wall and then the Doctor’s kindly face is before me.

“Commander, I’m going to have you for a patient if you don’t get some rest.”  I look up at him and then towards Kathryn but he just smiles and touches my arm.  “She’s asleep, dropped off almost immediately.  Normal sleep is what she needs now, plenty of good food and rest…”  I nod slowly and try to stand as his voice fades away.”



“I’ve been awake for a while now and I’m watching Chakotay’s sleeping face on the bed beside me.  The Doctor explained how he collapsed from sheer exhaustion and I try once more to push back the guilt which keeps trying to take me over. 

Doc’s told me everything and I think I could have handled this very differently but in the end I know I would do the same again, that protecting them was all that mattered.  I know that it could so easily have gone the other way and a cure might not have been found so in the end, I made the right decision. 

I watch him murmur something in his sleep, perhaps from part of the horror he has been through and I want to cry for the pain I know he endured as he searched for me, never giving up once.  My mind has cleared completely, my thoughts again my own and under my control, something I always took for granted.  I stretch slowly, still unable to believe completely that I am free of the pain which filled me for so long.  I blink back my tears, instantly clearing my vision, seeing what’s around me in detail for the first time in weeks.

As if sensing my study of him, he slowly comes awake, back to this world after the eighteen hours he has been sleeping and suddenly he jumps up, his eyes frantically searching around him and I know I’m what he seeks.

“Chakotay…”  His eyes fly in the direction of my voice and his face lights up and for the first time ever, he allows his feelings for me to be seen, completely undisguised and I mirror them, allowing him to see that love reflected back to him.  For a brief second there is confusion, disbelief at what he sees and I hold out my hand and slide down from the bed shakily and move to him, determined that he know the truth which I have held from him for too long.

I see my hands reach for his face and I hold him, my thumbs gently caressing his cheeks and wiping away the fallen moisture there.  I hear a deep sob tear from his throat as the emotion of the moment engulfs him and slowly I lean in and brush my lips to his.  He collapses against me and I struggle to hold his weight before his arms encircle me and crush me to him, the breath taken from my body as he rocks me to him.

“Oh Kathryn…oh God…please tell me this isn’t a dream…tell me this is real…”  His plea is heart rending and I whisper reassuringly to him, telling him that I’m here, that this is real, that I’m all right and then I pull back, needing to look into his eyes to say the rest, needing him to see into mine so he knows the truth of my words.

“Chakotay, I love you…”  Time stands still for us as we see into each other’s souls and the moment is sealed in our hearts for all time.

“Oh God Kathryn…I love you…I’ve waited so long to say…to hear you say…”  He chokes up, his words cut off but we don’t need them because everything is there between us, instinctively felt, a connection between us never to be broken.”



“A part of me still believes this is some cruel dream and I’ll wake to find my heart broken again.  As if seeing all this, she leans in and brushes her lips to mine again, her hands softly squeezing mine in hers, their gentle weight an affirmation of her presence.

I become slowly aware of the Doctor standing off to our right and tear my eyes from hers to look to him and see a smile on his face which will stay with me for a long time.  I see Kathryn look to him also and as if suddenly embarrassed, she drops her head and leans into my chest, burying herself there and I wrap my arms around her as I feel her smile against me.  I kiss the top of her head and close my eyes, breathing in her scent.  When I look up again, the Doctor has left us, retired quietly to his office, giving us the privacy he knows we need.  Time remains still as we hold each other and I know in this moment, that my life has only just begun.”



“I feel so guilty as I look into her face and see her tears, the ones I’ve just put there but I owe her my honesty.  It’s our first fight and I know in the real world this had to come but I wish so much it didn’t have to be.  We’re at my house where she has been staying since the Doctor released her and despite our declaration of love to each other, we’ve yet to make that final step.

It’s been two weeks of building up and settling down.  We returned and visited Mark and his wife and a friendship has established itself there between the four of us which will last a lifetime and I’m happy for Kathryn, that she can settle that part of her life.  We also returned to see Peter Sanders and his cousin and Kathryn was finally able to thank her ‘angel’ for all his kindness.  She came to stay with me until she recovered but we both know she’ll never leave, that this is forever.  Only one last piece of unfinished business stands in our way and we need to deal with that.

“Kathryn, you asked me to be honest with you and I would never be anything less…”  She shakes her head and turns away from me but I follow her and grab her shoulders, turning her back to me.

“Kathryn, you asked about what I felt all the time you were missing and I have to tell you.  If we don’t talk about this, it will always be there between us…  I just want you to understand how I felt then…”  She lowers her head.

“I hurt you…I know that…”  I place a finger under her chin and force her head back up.

“I just can’t understand why you didn’t come to me, tell me what was happening to you…  You’ve no idea how hurt I was when I found out why you’d left, apart from being sick with worry…  Kathryn, the pain I felt before that even…not knowing why or where you were…even if you were dead or alive… I was so hurt…the pain I had…and the betrayal and anger I felt…”  She cries harder and pulls away from me.

“What else could I have done…?”  I see her almost shake with emotion but I allow her this.  “My world felt as if it had ended and I truly believed it had…  I felt so guilty for taking Mark and Stella…and I know…”  She holds up a hand.  “I know you’ll say I couldn’t have known and I agree but that guilt was still there…just as it always has been with any crewmember I lost…”  She stops a moment to catch her breath.

“Chakotay…all of you…  God I know we all swore to serve and you all see yourselves as there to serve Starfleet and your Captain but…Chakotay…I serve you all too and that continues to the day I die…for all my days…and I had to protect you…in any way that means…”  She sits slowly and lets her tears fall, her hands wringing together.

“It almost destroyed me to leave the way I did…I kept remembering my last words to you…that I’d see you later…and I was breaking my promise…and I knew how hurt you’d be and that you wouldn’t understand…but I knew too that…”  She looks up at me.  “I knew you’d try and stop me…and then I’d have infected you…destroyed what I love most in this life…destroyed you…”  I move and sit beside her, leaving her a little space.

“Kathryn…I understand…I do…it’s just…I just want you to know how I felt…how hurt and angry I was…”  Slowly I reach for her hand and she allows it.

“Look…let’s just put this behind us now…move forward and let it go…”  She meets my eyes and nods slowly.

“That’s all I want…  I’d dream of that…pretend so often…”  I grip her hand tightly.

“Tell me about that…that time…”  She sniffs and looks around the room.

“Oh God…it was…  I mean the physical side of it…”  She slowly tells me everything about seeing Dr. Wilson and how she heard the news from him.  “Later on, I felt bad for not going back to him but…I was afraid I might see someone and…well you know…”  I nod slowly.  “When I was there…oh I had hypos for the pain but it just got worse…and I tried keeping a log but I’d forget what I had written and have to read it again…and then my eyes started to fail…”  She sits and tells me of her time alone and the fear, loneliness and pain she endured and I cry, feeling such a deep pain at what she went through.

Finally she tells me about her guardian angel and how he left food for her and how she felt when I found her.  I tell her of Stella and how she gave up, of visiting Mark and discovering the whole story, of how my search ended and contacting Mark Johnston and finding Peter and his cousin.  We both know the basic details of all this, having spoken of it already but now we speak deeply about it all, sparing each other nothing.  By the end of the evening, we are both exhausted but the way before us is now clear.

“Kathryn, I want you to promise me that no matter what life throws at us in the future, you’ll never do anything like this again.”  I see the hurt on her face, as if she hasn’t explained herself well enough.  “Kathryn, I understand why you did things the way you did, really I do but for the future, for our future, please let me be there.  I know you made the only decision you saw you could make and that’s past now but in the end all it did was cause me a worse pain.  I don’t mean to keep this going but I just want your promise that you’ll always let me be there for you from now on…”  I see that she understands now and she nods her head.  “Kathryn, I don’t mean to be angry at you and I guess I’m not really…it’s just…it’s the kind of anger that comes from relief…can you understand?  It’s like when a child is missing and you find them and all you want to do is pull them into your arms but instead you scream at them for worrying you so much…”  She nods again, her understanding so clear now and tears spill from her eyes as she throws herself into my arms, knocking us both back on the sofa.  We cling to each other for a long time, whispering together and planning our future, speaking of things I only ever dreamed we’d speak of and a peace settles over me unlike any I’ve ever known.  I know now that we are truly home.”



“I watch him sleep, something I could do endlessly but this time it’s different.  This time he’s at peace with himself and the world around us.  This time we have each other and the knowledge of that stays with him even in sleep.

I hate that we fought although a part of me doesn’t think of it as a fight.  We cleared the way before us and what we spoke of needed to be said, needed to be brought out into the open, dealt with and then put away for all time.  I suppose I can liken it to cleaning out a wound and now our healing has begun.

I lean back slightly and trace his face with my eyes, each contour which I know so well.  I could trace each line in my sleep, so often have I studied him but his body remains un-chartered territory and just the mere thought of exploring it, starts a deep feeling inside of me, one I haven’t felt in many years and yet it’s different to any I’ve known before because this time it’s coupled with the deepest, most intense love I have ever felt.

I guess we’re tuned into each other in every way because suddenly he stirs and his eyes open and stare deeply into mine and reading my mind, he pulls me down to him and then his lips cover mine and I’m lost, drowning in a sea of emotion and pleasure that could never be surpassed.  Oh we’ve kissed before but this is something different, perhaps the knowledge that our time has come without either of us saying anything to the other.

He rolls me to the side and breaks the kiss, his eyes searching mine for the permission he believes he needs and I silently thank him for asking.  I nod slowly and reach for him again and utter one word.

“Please…”  My voice is husky with desire, sounding alien to my ears and I see love and passion mounting in his eyes as he lowers his lips back to mine, possessing them with his warmth.  I feel his hands gently holding and caressing me but a fire is building in me unlike anything I’ve ever known and suddenly I don’t want gentle or safe.  I’ve stared what I believed was my death in the face and I desperately need to reaffirm the life I now have.  He senses my urgency and once more breaks the kiss as his hand strokes my face.

“Tell me Kathryn…tell me what you need…”  Oh how I love him for asking.  Once I’d have been too embarrassed to ever speak of such things, even when I knew my lover well, but what exists between us erases who I once was, recharges me into the woman I am in his arms.

“I need you…all of you…everything you have to give…  I need to feel the passion…the force of it… and I need to give that to you too…  I need to feel alive again…”  I know I’m not explaining myself well but I see that he understands and yet he hesitates.

“Kathryn…I’m so afraid of hurting you…you’ve been so ill and it’s been a long time for you…”  I kiss him deeply.

“I’m fine and you won’t hurt me…please Chakotay… I need to open the floodgates…let out what I’m feeling…I need to feel it all…reaffirm it all…we’ve waited so long…”  My chest is heaving, turning me on just talking like this and all I want is to feel him fill me to bursting, have him possess me body and soul.  I see his eyes darken with his own desire and know in that instant that he needs this just as much as I do.

And then it takes us over and I can’t even think as his mouth devours mine.  Our hands tear at each other’s clothes, desperate to reach and touch every inch of flesh.  There is no organization to our coming together, no set order, just frantic need as his hands and mouth almost attack my body, sucking at my breasts in a way that would hurt were I not so aroused.  I feel his hand slip under my skirt and then he’s leaning back, ripping the fabric from my body, my panties tearing quickly to join it.  I reach down, pulling at the fasteners of his trousers and rip them open, exposing him to my eyes and oh God, what a sight.  I can almost feel myself climax just looking at him.  A sound escapes my lips that almost resembles a growl and he smiles, an almost feral expression.     He stands, kicking off his pants, and then lifts me, turning quickly and slamming me against the wall, the wind knocked out of me and I glory in his actions as his body pins me against the surface.  I see his eyes on mine, checking constantly that I’m all right with this but I know that all he will see there is my desire.

I wrap my legs around his waist and feel the hot, hard length of him against me and I squirm and twist myself, desperate to feel him inside me but this man has other ideas.  He reaches down, his fingers slipping easily through my wet folds and inside me, caressing my inner walls as I cry out, my hips trying to buck but unable to.  His mouth fastens on to my breast again and this time he growls.

“Not yet my sweet, only when I’m ready…”  His torture is agony and yet only pushes me further.  He brings me to the brink then stops, leaving me almost crying.  Before I know what’s happening, he’s pulling me from the wall and slamming me down over the table, pinning my arms above my head as he continues to tease me, his length playing along my sensitive folds.  He’s enjoying this as I writhe beneath him, begging at this stage.  He releases my hands and now they’re pulling at him, my nails tearing at his back but he doesn’t seem to feel the pain, even though I’m sure I’m drawing blood.

“Chakotay…please…”  He grins down at me before pulling back and I claw at empty air.  His hands grab my legs, spreading my thighs quickly and he pulls me towards him then lowers his mouth to me and I scream out at the first contact he makes as he laves his tongue from my anus to my hair line and back then slowly circles my throbbing clit, blowing softly and nipping and sucking, driving me wild.  He holds my hips in place, most likely afraid I’ll do damage to myself as his wonderful assault continues, bringing me closer to the edge but stopping each time I near it.  He knows what he’s doing to me and I see how much he’s enjoying it.

“Patience my love, it’ll be all the sweeter when it finally happens…”  My head is thrashing back for forth and my hands seek contact with anything they can grip.  I’m so close, yet again he pulls back, instinctively knowing the moment and then he’s gone and I cry out in frustration.  He lifts me again and moves quickly to the bed where he places me on my feet, my legs barely able to hold me up.  Before I register what he is doing, he spins me in his arms, my back pressed to his chest as his arm pulls me to him tightly.  I see him reach for a pillow which he drops at the side of the bed at my feet and then he’s pushing me down to my knees onto it and bending me over the bed, my arms above my head. 

My breathing is barely controlled now and I’m almost panting with wanting him and I feel him kneel behind me, his hands gently forcing my legs apart and again I feel his rock hard shaft against me, prodding me as it seeks entrance to my body.  One hand holds me down while the other reaches around me, stroking me back to where I was a moment ago.  I can’t believe the cries and moans coming from my own mouth and then I hear his voice.

“Tell me Kathryn…tell me how you want it…”  Oh God this man…  “Kathryn…tell me how…tell me where…let me hear you say it…”  His words and his fingers have me toppling right on the edge and I push back against him.

“Please Chakotay…”  His fingers slow and I cry out.

“Tell me how…tell me where…”  I feel his fingers at my entrance, the digits of his other hand now at my anus, giving me full choice and I know my answer.

“All of you…everywhere…both…please…hard…”  I haven’t the breath to speak and I feel as if every cell in my body is on fire.  His fingers trace both my entrances and then about my clitoris.

“Hard Kathryn?”  I push back against him.  “Tell me…”  I can’t take much more.

“Oh God yes…hard…long and hard…please Chakotay…”  He’s killing me here.

“Where Kathryn…here…?”  I feel him at the entrance to my vagina and cry out.

“Oh yes…please…now…”  He presses against me and I again push back but he pulls away once more, determined to play this out to the last.

“Where else Kathryn…tell me…say it…”  I feel as if I’m going to die here but I know I’ll say what he wants to hear.

“There…in…up…the ass…hard up the ass…”  My words shock me for a minute, their first time to have crossed my lips but with them comes a feeling of liberation I’ve never experienced and an even greater excitement fills me and I know it’s had the same effect on him.

“Yes?”  He’s pressing against me again, his fingers speeding up then slowing again.

“Oh God yes Chakotay…please God…yes…yes…”  His fingers trace idly over me and I feel his other hand spread my wetness, which is positively dripping from me now, over my back entrance.  He’s gentle as he presses slowly into me and I groan loudly as a feeling of dark desire washes over me.  I’ve never done this before and somehow I sense he knows that.

“Trust me love…trust me…I won’t ever hurt you…”  I can barely answer him as the feelings inside me invade every atom of my being as he pushes deeply into me.

“Ohhh Godddd…ummm…”  I’ve never known anything like this and as his fingers continue to stimulate me, rubbing slowly across my clit and inside me, I feel the start of something so deep, I’m almost afraid.  He thrusts in and out of me slowly until I’m almost there again and then I’m empty and his hands leave me also.  I cry out again, in a feeling of abandonment this time but before the sound has left my mouth, I feel him again, pressing against my vagina this time and then in one forceful thrust, he’s home and I scream out as I stretch to accommodate him, and he stops immediately, giving me time to adjust as the sweet stinging turns to a pleasure so profound, I cry.  Slowly, his fingers start to move again, picking up speed and his thrusts match them until he’s pounding in and out of me and I’m seeing stars.  I’m vaguely aware of sounds around me, skin slapping against skin, my cries and his moans and then sensations take over and I feel myself tightening inside and the tremors mount until what could only be described as a volcano of pleasure erupts within me, spilling over into every pore and I scream until I’m hoarse and I’m aware then of his shouts and the feel of his semen filling me so deeply, warming me inside, spreading and finding its own home.

He remains buried inside me for several minutes, his hand stroking up and down my back, as I slowly come down and gradually I’m aware of his hardening inside me again as he slowly begins to pump me once more, his fingers starting a fresh assault on my clit, his other hand at my anus.

“Chakotay…I..I can’t…”  I try my best to get air into my lungs.

“Yes you can Kathryn…just go with it…”  I feel the second climax approach within a minute as he thrusts in and out of me, his fingers penetrating my rear entrance and rubbing at my clit and then I’m coming again, his name screaming from my lips.  He continues to press in and out of me more slowly now and I’m aware that he hasn’t come with me this time.  He gently pulls himself from my depths and lifts me up onto the bed then rolls me onto my back.

He’s facing me this time and locking eyes with me, waits at my entrance a moment.  Staring deeply at me, he surges forward as I cry out.  His hands grab hold of my wrists and he holds them above my head using one of his large hands.  His other hand reaches down and lifts one of my legs, raising it, his fingers gripping my thigh tightly, making his penetration so deep,  I feel him touch my cervix.  I throw my head back but his voice reaches me again.

“Kathryn…look at me…I want to see you when you come…show me everything…”  His words are almost a trigger, aiding the pounding he’s subjecting me to and I feel it start again and my eyes widen.  I’ve never climaxed this way, not without direct stimulation.  I raise my other leg out of instinct and feel myself tighten again and then I can’t hold his eyes any longer and I hear a keening wail fill the air and only then realize I’m making the sound.  At the last minute, I force my eyes open, wanting to see him as I feel him lose himself again and fill me one more time and we go over the edge together.

Once more, I lie and watch him sleep, a slight smile on his face, so at peace with our world.  He stirs slightly and his arm tightens around me.  As I feel sleep claim me too, I snuggle against him, my body still humming to itself in the afterglow of our lovemaking.  My mind has never known such peace and contentment and I’m almost afraid that this is not real but I know that the feelings inside me could never exist in any dream state, that they could only be brought about by this man, who has stood beside me through so much, who has given me so much and who loves me so much.  As I finally let go, I break the habit of a lifetime.  I don’t question.  I just accept.”